There’s something about seeing a pregnant woman that seems to loosen tongues. I’m not sure why it is, but people seem to throw off all restraint and say whatever is on their minds.
This obviously isn’t beneficial to expectant mothers. Thankfully, each of us can exercise restraint and choose to say uplifting things instead of things like these I’ve listed below.
What you shouldn’t say to a pregnant woman
“You look huge!” or “You look so tiny!”
It’s generally considered inappropriate to comment about someone’s weight. Why would pregnancy make it okay? Yes, women’s bodies change during pregnancy. Weight gain is normal, though some women gain a lot and some gain a little. Likewise, some women have huge bellies and some have small bellies. Regardless of this, you likely wouldn’t walk up to a non-pregnant stranger and rudely tell her she is too fat or too skinny, so give pregnant ladies this same respect.
“Are you sure you’re not having twins?”
Asking if a woman is sure she isn’t having twins is akin to telling her she looks huge. See my comments above regarding this sort of statement.
There is an additional consideration when asking a woman if she is sure she’s not expecting more than one. Some women begin their pregnancies carrying twins, but they lose one of the babies at some point during their pregnancies. Asking about twins reminds them of their losses—it’s like rubbing salt in an open wound.
“Were you planning on getting pregnant?”
Aside from cases involving assisted reproductive techniques (such as IVF), pregnancy occurs because of the decisions and actions of one man and one woman. The comments or questions of observers have no bearing on this. Thus, it’s really no one’s business—except for the mom and dad—if a pregnancy was planned or not.
“You’re having another?”
This is a so-called stupid question. If a woman already has kids and she’s pregnant again, then the answer is clearly “yes.” This isn’t what folks are truly asking, though. What they’re doing is expressing surprise that a woman is pregnant again because she already has numerous kids, she has a particularly young child (or young children), or because she is getting older. You may be surprised, but you should keep your opinion to yourself. It is impolite to express your unsolicited opinions by hiding them behind the façade of this question.
“Do you think you’ll have more?”
As I noted above, the conception of a child generally occurs because of the decisions and actions of just one man and one woman. Observers tend to be curious if a couple will have an additional child, particularly if they have just one child or if they already have a large number of children. However, this is the business of the mom and dad, not of observers.
“Are you with the father?”
Unwed motherhood is super common in our country. It doesn’t matter how you feel about this or your motives for wanting to know, it’s completely inappropriate to ask a woman if she is with the father of the baby or if she knows who the father is. If she wants you to know this information, I’m sure she’ll share it.
“Aren’t you a little young/old to be having a baby?”
This is another one of those “stupid questions.” If a woman is pregnant, then clearly she isn’t too young or too old to be having a baby. You may be surprised because she appears younger than most mothers or older than most mothers, but it is impolite to express this. You wouldn’t (or at least you shouldn’t) walk up to a young stranger and tell her she looks too young to be voting or walk up to an older woman and tell her she looks too old to be driving a car. Extend this same respect to each pregnant lady you see by refraining from making comments about her age.
“You shouldn’t be eating/drinking/doing that.”
There are so many guidelines about what to eat, drink, do, and avoid doing during pregnancy. In my experience, most expectant moms do the best they can to follow the guidelines, though almost every mom I know takes an occasional calculated risk (for example, eating undercooked beef or raw cookie dough). If you tell a woman what she should or shouldn’t do during pregnancy, she’ll typically become defensive and do what she wants to do anyway. In other words, you’ll alienate her, but not change her behavior. Also, it’s possible you’re spreading old wives’ tales (there are so many of these out there that seem legitimate). Unless you know a woman really well and feel that she may be unaware of a critical recommendation, it’s best to avoid telling her what she should or shouldn’t do during pregnancy.
“Enjoy _______ now because you won’t get to do that anymore once the baby comes.”
Pregnancy is difficult enough without being reminded of the difficulties that are to come. Moreover, everyone has a different experience with motherhood. The things you miss may not be the same things another woman misses. There is absolutely no reason to make statements like this that will incite anxiety and even fear in expectant moms.
“When I had my baby, I…”
Your birth stories are so precious and valuable…to you. Expectant moms may not want to hear about how you were in labor for 40 hours, how you decided to divorce your husband while you were pushing, and how you had a fourth degree tear. Even if your birth experiences were amazing (for example, candlelit, pain-free water births after short labors), it’s not necessarily a good idea to share these with expectant moms. Birth stories put unconstructive expectations—good or bad—in the minds of expectant moms. If expectant moms ask you to share your stories, then go for it! Otherwise, keep them to yourself.
What to say instead
I know some of these comments and questions sound ridiculous, but I can assure you that I have heard all of them at some point during one of my three pregnancies. Thankfully, there are many positive, uplifting things we can say to pregnant women instead of these inappropriate things. Here are some examples:
- “Congratulations!”
- “You look fantastic!”
- “Pregnancy can be rough, but it’s worth it!”
- “Can I help you with anything?”
If you’re uncertain if something is appropriate to say, consider the words of Ephesians 4:29:
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
This often helps me decide if it is good to share a particular comment or question!
What have you experienced during pregnancy? What sorts of comments did people make? What were some of the ridiculous things they said? On the other hand, what were some encouraging things you heard?
I relate to many of these! I remember because we didn’t have a full length mirror at home I was always bewildered when people told me (quite frequently) that I was huge (usually a gentler variation on that but that was the point.) I do feel this list mostly applies to strangers, though. I remember comments from friends on my size that didn’t bother me at all, including some that would definitely have insulted me coming from a stranger.
On the other hand, once as I walked across a parking lot probably within a week of delivery, a gentleman leaned out of his car and called “it’s gotta be a boy!” And while I found being sized up for what gender I was carrying or how comparatively huge I was rather insulting in general, his tone was so genuinely cheerful and kind that I didn’t take much offense! Even in being randomly haled in a parking lot! He followed up with a hearty “Congratulations!”
Thinking over what you’ve written and what I’m remembering, I realize a lot of it is more about the attitude and heart behind the words than the words themselves. There are exceptions to that, however, some of which you pointed out in your post. For example, a person might genuinely just intend to be humorous or even hopeful by commenting “are you sure you’re not having twins?” But as you pointed out, there are circumstances under which that would be incredibly painful to hear. We need to think about the impact of our words and recognize that we may not know the whole story- be swift to hear and slow to speak, and as you said, evaluate our speech in light of Ephesians 4:29! When our intent is to edify and we are thoughtful and exercise charity in our wording, the details will take care of themselves.
One thing I do feel somewhat differently about is the “You shouldn’t be eating/drinking/doing that” comment. While “you shouldn’t be” is generally not the best way to share information with people, I’ve noticed many times in myself and among other friends a tendency to say nothing when a friend engages in behavior that is risky for the baby. There’s no way of knowing whether the mom is aware of the risk I’m thinking about without asking. So if it is something I’ve researched (not an old wives tale- that is a good point!) I try to share the information in a nonjudgmental manner. If the mom is already aware of it, I then feel comfortable to let her make her decision- but I’d rather not have something happen and see a distraught mom say “I wish I’d known.” However I agree that “you shouldn’t be” is not a helpful way to phrase it! That accusatory tone does alienate for sure. I think you have posted before about how to gently share safety information with other moms- I think that is relevant for pregnancy as well!
I hope your own pregnancy is going smoothly! Congratulations!
Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts, Kathryn! You make a couple important points.
One is about relationship and motivation. Indeed, I agree that it is different when a close friend says one of these things. I have several girlfriends who might ask a question such as “Were you planning on getting pregnant?” and it wouldn’t bother me at all! This would be a normal discussion between us, but I don’t have similar conversations with strangers. 🙂 Motivation is important, too. You can tell by tone, body language, etc. that when strangers say these things they often aren’t said lovingly. You can generally tell is something is said as criticism or as encouragement. It’s easier to handle comments from strangers when they are said without criticism.
Another important point is about safety information. I agree that this is tricky! (And, yes, I did write a post about this once.) I find this to be especially challenging because I used to be a public health professional and a nurse. It was my job–literally–to tell other people what they should and shouldn’t be doing in regards to health and safety! Anyway, this is an area where I think I need to grow. I need to be more confident and try to find humble ways to share info with other moms. A nonjudgmental approach, as you noted, is key!
I’m actually pregnant with twins and yet to get the twins comment even though I did get it with my last two pregnancies! I’m quite disappointed!! The other great one I did recently get was the classic “have you worked out what’s causing it yet?!” Oh ha… I will observe that a lot of the comments that are meant to be funny seem to come from males. With regard to the twin pregnancy I’ve also had a lot of people ask me if they’re natural. I mean, really?! And my manager (female) seems to ask me every few weeks if I gave birth naturally before, if I got stretch marks or if I might get my first this time and if I intend to breastfeed and how will I manage that? People seem a lot more curious about that one with twins. Obviously I have yet to find out but it’s amazing what people think they can ask!
That’s so funny that you don’t get the twins question now, Anna.
I have a couple of friends who have twins and they get questions all of the time! They did in pregnancy, too, but even now with toddlers and preschoolers they still get tons of questions.