A couple of weeks ago one of my neighbors stopped by and asked if she could come in and visit for a few minutes. Though I have no desire to pretend like I have it all together, I do have a bit of pride and I was incredibly embarrassed regarding the state of my house.
If I let her in, my neighbor would walk through a dining room that I hadn’t swept and mopped in over a week. She’d see overflowing baskets of dirty laundry and stacks of folded laundry (including underwear, of course) along one side of the living room. She’d have to step around toys that were scattered over the floor. I’d even have to move burp cloths and a Boppy Pillow off the couch just to make room for her to sit down!
Though a large part of me just wanted to ask her to come back later, I swallowed my pride and let her in. As we walked to the living room, I thought about apologizing for the state of my house. However, a few things occurred to me that kept me silent then and keep me silent now.
Why I don’t apologize for my messy house
- I want to be more focused on my guest than on my house. When I have guests over, I want them to know that I am focused on and interested in them. Worrying about the untidy state of my house and making a point of apologizing for it shows that my eyes aren’t fixed on my guests—they’re fixed on the stuff around me. Moreover, my guests may feel unwelcome if I emphasize the mess in my house because they may interpret apologies as covert attempts to communicate that I wish they had not stopped by.
- Other things are more important than having a clean house. I have a husband and three young kids (a 4-year-old, a 2-year-old, and a 4-month old). My days are busy and I’m often up several times a night feeding my youngest. Caring for my family is more important than having a tidy house. Yes, keeping the house clean enough that we are safe and comfortable is part of this, but having a super clean house isn’t. Things like reading to my kids, spending quality time with my husband in the evenings, and occasionally taking my girls to the playground are more important by a long shot.
- It draws attention to the mess. There’s always a chance that a particular guest won’t take note of the untidy state of my house. Other guests may notice the mess, but not think much of it. In these cases, apologizing would be like hanging a frame around the mess so it is obvious and they can examine it closely.
- It’s a waste of effort. As I noted above, I have plenty to do, so why waste effort pointing out the obvious when doing so doesn’t accomplish anything? Dealing with feelings of embarrassment and making sure to apologize take mental effort. I’d rather invest this effort in a productive way.
- Having a messy house may actually encourage others. Apologizing for a messy house perpetuates the myth that perfect homes are normal. In other words, a person—including my guest—isn’t good enough if she doesn’t have a perfect house. We all know that the expectation of perfection from our Pinterest-crazed society is unreasonable and inappropriate. I don’t want to perpetuate this expectation by apologizing for what is normal and perfectly fine.
Feel free to stop by next time you’re in the neighborhood! We’ll wade through the toys on the floor and I’ll shove stuff aside if I need to so you can sit on the couch. If I begin to feel embarrassed, then I’ll remind myself that the tidiness of my house doesn’t matter in the long run. It is things like loving on the person in front of me that matter (Matthew 6:19-21). Thankfully, I can effectively do this with multiple baskets of laundry waiting to be folded.
Time to come clean! Is your house always tidy or is it sometimes a mess? If it is sometimes a mess, then how do you feel when guests stop by unexpectedly?
Shared at the following:
Encouraging Hearts and Home, Over the Moon, and Thursday Favorite Things.
You have discovered what is most important! Those three precious children will grow up soon and then you can keep your house. Children don’t wait!
Yes! Just this morning we went to a park and played at the playground. Laundry didn’t get folded, but that’s okay!
I love this, Shannon! Especially what you say about this encouraging others-I always feel much more at home when I walk into a friend’s house and see a “junk pile” on their counter or something like that. A few months back when I was at a friend’s house, she apologized for the stack of clean diaper laundry on her couch and I was like, “Um, if you came into my house right now you’d see the same thing!” One time, about a year ago, another mom stopped by my house on a day that was particularly crazy-I was doing all of my laundry that day and my toddler (while I was working on laundry) had decided to dump water all over his bean-and-muffin tin activity (and all over the floor). And this particular mom always seemed to be a Very Put Together Mom to me-and I found myself apologizing for the state of my house. Afterwards, I realized that I really shouldn’t have done that, so since then I’ve been trying to remember to not apologize to people when they come over. Even though I like having a tidy house, and it stays somewhat tidy most of the time, somehow messes always seem to be all over the floor. It’s like toddlers have a special skill at making messes! 😉
The thought that I might be perpetuating unrealistic expectations is newer to me. I don’t want to do this, so I’m glad I’ve realized it!
Toddlers are definitely skilled at making messes!
I always made sure the important areas of my house were clean like the kitchen and bathroom just for health safety. I did find while raising my 3 (all born with 3 1/2 yrs) that follow thru on certain tasks helped. I mean if I made a sandwich the knives went into the sink, not left on the counter. If I took off shoes I did it in front of the shoe-keeper tray and I didn’t let clothes hang off chairs or the sofa. Certain little habits don’t take extra effort, but it makes a huge difference in the clutter that just happens. It all goes back to nornal once the little ones grow up a little bit and they can pitch in to help.
It sounds like your kids are just a couple of months closer in age than my kids, Christina. I’m that way with the kitchen and bathrooms, too, but it is the “follow thru” in the other areas where I struggle. I need to put in more of that extra effort!
“Cleaning and dusting can wait till tomorrow, for babies grow up, we’ve learned to our sorrow. So quiet down cobwebs! Dust go to sleep! I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.” This saying was on a stitched sampler I had hanging in my home when my babies were still babies…..still rings true.
Is there a way to teach spouses this follow thru method? I’m only minorly (probably not a word, oh well) joking. I’m working on the blessing of children with my spouse. I’d love it. Example – hang up a coat upon entering the home, immediately closing cabinets after opening, remove shoes away shoe stand… maybe children help reinforce it???
That’s a good question, Nancy. I don’t really have any useful advice. 🙁 I often have an easier time teaching these things to my kids than getting my husband on board to help with them. That’s something I need to work on.
Great post! I am horribly unobservant – when I was young, my Mom would tell me that the only way I’d notice if she rearranged the living room furniture, was if I went to sit down & fell on the floor! So, if a friend apologizes for her mess, it DOES just make me notice it! Likewise, I am untidy myself, so cannot afford to be critical even if I DO notice : ) Isn’t it sp much better, as you said, to just focus on people, and not worry about it?
It’s nice to know there is someone out there who really might not notice! 😉
Seriously, though, it is much nicer to just focus on people.
Oh, heavens, I have been through this same thought process, and have followed the dotted line back to my pridefulness. It’s hard to imagine that I’ve got my act together when my house is in chaos, but one thing that has helped me is having friends who have invited me into their messes.
It’s so nice to see that we’re not alone. I need this reminder that it is good to be “real” with other people.
Thank you for sharing at #OverTheMoon. Pinned and shared.
Thanks, Marilyn!
Great post! Awesome perspective. I like how real you are because we all live in a busy and ever changing world. I remember those days.. I threw my thoughts of a perfect looking house to the side when my young kids demanded my time and attention. You are right on point! Now my girls are teens and clean up behind themselves as well as my 11 year old son. I’ve learned even now to let perfection go. Live Life!! Thanks for sharing- Christine
It isn’t always easy to let go of the desire for a house that is clean, but the time spent with my kids is so much more valuable!
Thanks for stopping by, Christine.