Losing is part of life. It happens when playing games, of course, but it also happens when someone else gets the promotion at work, when we don’t achieve our goals, and when changes in physical health prevent us from doing what we once could. Despite it being a ubiquitous experience, it is often difficult for children to respond courteously and calmly when they lose.
This has been an ongoing struggle in my household. My kids have been engaging in games and various casual competitions since they were quite young, yet they still struggle with being “sore losers” when they don’t win. This was not unexpected when they were toddlers and preschoolers, but I anticipated they would grow to be gracious losers with age. Because they are still struggling with this, I’ve read up on strategies for helping kids learn to lose. Here are a variety of strategies, including the specific approaches that have been helping us.
Helping kids learn to lose graciously
Teach and model good sportsmanship
Good sportsmanship entails several things. These are applicable to sports and to other competitions from board games to science fairs. Some of the essential components of good sportsmanship that we need to instill in our children include:
- Follow the rules and, if applicable, the instructions of coaches and referees
- Try your best
- If you lose, accept defeat and congratulate the winner
- If you win, don’t brag and rub it in
- If you make a mistake, learn from it and get back in the game
- If you have teammates and one makes a mistake, provide encouragement and constructive support
Young kids (and sometimes older kids) may need explicit instruction in good sportsmanship. For example, they don’t naturally know to congratulate the winner of the game. We need to explain to them why this is done and how to do it. If we play games with our kids, they may pick up a lot of this on their own because modeling is such an effective way to teach (i.e., our kids see our responses and mimic them). If we consistently model good sportsmanship, our kids will often follow suit without even being instructed to do so.
Acknowledge that it’s okay to feel disappointed and teach how to handle the feeling
Most of us feel disappointed when we lose, and there is nothing wrong with feeling this emotion. The problem, of course, is if we let this emotion drive our responses. We need to help kids understand this. They can feel disappointed and still congratulate the winner. They can feel disappointed and calm themselves down by taking a few deep breaths or counting to 10 instead of storming off and refusing to play again. They can feel disappointed and let this motivate them to practice so they hone their skills and get better at the game.
Discuss the difference between outcomes we can influence and those we can’t
As I just noted, sometimes the disappointment of loss can provide motivation to practice so we get better at a particular game or sport. This doesn’t apply to all games and activities; however, because many rely on luck instead of skill. This is an important distinction to teach our children because it applies to weightier situations in our lives. One wins the classic children’s game Candy Land because of luck. Practice won’t make you better at it. However, winning at baseball or Connect 4 requires skill and strategy. With practice, you can get better at these.
As we help our kids understand this distinction as it applies to games, we can also help them understand how it applies to life. For example, we can’t control the events around us or the actions of others, but we can control our responses to these. Likewise, we can’t control the impact of genetics on our health, but we can control our actions (what we eat, if we exercise, etc.).
Highlight effort, not outcome
The adage is true: winning isn’t everything. For professional athletes, of course, winning takes on new significance. For kids like mine, though, who are playing tag with friends at the park and Apples to Apples with their grandparents, games are about having fun, visiting with friends, and building skills like critical thinking. I am much more concerned about how my kids play the game—that they put forth their best effort and play by the rules—than I am about them winning. When we focus on effort instead of winning, it helps our kids see that losing isn’t a reason to quit and it fosters enjoyment of the game (instead of seeing it as a means to an end).
I noted above that helping kids understand the difference between outcomes we can control and those we can’t is a skill that is helpful in life beyond games. The same is true with this. In life, not everyone will have perfect health, get the promotion, or achieve their goals. Understanding the value of their efforts, even if they don’t “win,” helps build resilience, promotes empathy, and encourages enjoyment of the journey.
Moderate expectations with a reminder that not everyone will win the game
In most games, there will be a single winner and several losers. Losing doesn’t mean you are a “loser” in the colloquial sense (being a misfit or failure). Sometimes providing this reminder before playing a game is enough to help curb kids’ disappointment when they lose. It seems so simple, but having it fresh in mind means that a loss doesn’t—to use a sports analogy—come out of left field and catch them unprepared.
Final thoughts
My kids have been benefiting from two strategies. The first is moderating expectations. Before beginning a game or competition, I’ve been providing a gentle reminder that only one kid will win. This may be one of them, or it may be another child. Along with this reminder, we talk about how they get to spend time with their friends and have fun while participating. The second strategy that has been beneficial for us is discussing the difference between outcomes we can influence and those we can’t. When they are dissatisfied with how they completed a game that requires skill, we talk about how “practice makes perfect.” We discuss strategies and how they can practice if they would like to be more skilled.
Consider checking out my sources if you would like more ideas on teaching sportsmanship:
- Teaching Children to Lose Gracefully So They Can Lose with Dignity As Adults
- Teaching Children Good Sportsmanship
- Teaching Kids How to Lose
What has helped your kids? What things have you done to help your kids learn to lose graciously?
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