9 Ways Wives Can Avoid Nagging

Nagging, which is repeatedly pestering someone to complete a task or act on some advice, isn’t a very pleasant or effective way to communicate. Last week I shared some ideas regarding why women, but not men, are seen as nags. I’m fascinated by the explanations that experts and laypeople have proposed.

This week we are going to explore some ways that we can avoid nagging. These approaches are relevant to both genders because, as we saw last week, both men and women can nag. However, I’m a wife and most of my readers are female, so I’m specifically addressing wives in this post.

Why is nagging a problem?

Nagging is a waste of effort because it doesn’t work. If it did work, wives wouldn’t do it. I know that last statement appears to be nonsensical, but stick with me for a moment and you’ll see what I mean. If a wife asked her husband to complete a task and he completed it, then she wouldn’t ask again. The very fact that she is asking repeatedly, often with increasing frustration and urgency, demonstrates that it doesn’t work. I’m not a psychologist, so I don’t know all of the ends and outs of why it doesn’t work, but I’ve read a number of theories. Some experts say that nagging doesn’t work because it is unpleasant so the recipients tune it out. Others say that nagging makes the recipients feel controlled or manipulated so they ignore the requests. Others say that nagging creates an unhealthy dynamic because it makes a husband feel like he is in the child role of a relationship (instead of the husband role). Whatever the reason, nagging isn’t effective.

Another important reason to avoid nagging is that it’s not a respectful means of communication. As Christians, we should strive to communicate in ways that honor and encourage others (see Proverbs 15:1, Proverbs 18:21, Proverbs 21:9, Luke 6:45, Ephesians 4:29, Hebrews 10:24, James 1:19, and James 3:9-11 for details). Don’t get me wrong—I don’t believe this means a wife should not make requests of her husband. There’s nothing wrong with asking your husband to pick his dirty clothes up off the floor, change a light bulb, make a healthy lifestyle change (e.g., quit smoking, visit the doctor about worrisome symptoms), etc. However, we need to think about how we do this. Are we whining or raising our voices when we ask? Are we pointing our fingers and scowling? Are we holding grudges when our husbands don’t do what we’ve asked them to do? The request itself might not be an issue, but the way in which a wife asks it and/or her response if her husband doesn’t take action may be disrespectful or unloving.

How to avoid nagging

Here are some practical things that wives can do to avoid nagging.

• Be specific. We often expect our husbands to read our minds. They can’t, of course, so this can cause tension. Sometimes we make general requests (for example, “I need some help cleaning today”). Our husbands may have no idea where to begin, so they don’t help. We may want to nag them about not helping, but it would be more effective to ask them to complete specific tasks (e.g., vacuum the living room, load the dishwasher, take out the trash).
• Regularly set aside time to discuss division of labor, finances, schedules, and other important topics. Nagging often occurs when we’re rushed and something needs to be completed or changed soon. I believe some of the desire to nag can be eliminated if we set aside time to discuss the things about which we often nag. In my house, we set aside time on the last day of the month to meet and discuss the coming month. We review our calendar, the budget, and any concerns either of us have. We’re calm and not rushed during this time, so we can discuss things like division of labor (e.g., who is going to mow the lawn, who will take the van in for an oil change) and concerns (e.g., the need to get more exercise, how to address our kids’ challenging behaviors) without nagging.
• Brainstorm solutions. We all have likes and dislikes regarding cleaning and home maintenance tasks. However, even if no one likes doing it, the toilets still need scrubbed and the lawn still needs to be mowed. If my husband isn’t completing a task that I am unable to complete (because I don’t have time or I don’t know how), then sometimes the best way to avoid nagging is to sit down and brainstorm solutions. For us, this may mean my husband being available to watch our kids so I have time to complete something or hiring someone else to complete the task.
• Stick to the issue at hand. I don’t know if you struggle with this, but when I’m frustrated with my husband I tend to focus on his faults and remember times in the past when I feel he hasn’t pulled his weight around the house or he has refused to make a change that I’ve suggested. Remembering things like this can increase our frustration, making it more likely that we’ll nag. It’s best to push these thoughts out of mind (1 Corinthians 13:5) and keep focused on the issue at hand.
• Be respectful. As I noted above, sometimes a request is viewed as nagging because of how it is made, not because of the request itself. One way to prevent this is to make sure we are being respectful in our communication. We can keep our statements brief so we don’t deliver long lectures. We can avoid saying things like “You never pick your clothes up off the floor” in favor of things like “I would appreciate it if you would remember to pick up your clothes.” We can be sure we don’t demean, criticize, or attack. We can say “please” and “thank you.”
• Give non-verbal reminders. If our husbands don’t respond to verbal requests, we can always use other approaches. We can send reminders via text message or post notes on our husbands’ calendars. We can set out something that our husbands need in order to complete a task so it is easier for them to get started. Some husbands may perceive these non-verbal reminders as another form of nagging, so they may not be welcomed by every husband. However, some husbands will appreciate and be motivated by these forms of communication.
• Calmly communicate concerns. Many times we want our husbands to do something because we’re concerned about them. We nag because we fear for their health or safety. One of the things I’ve nagged my husband about is his driving. He has a tendency to drive fast and to brake much later than I would if I were driving. My concern for his safety manifests itself as nagging. Because nagging doesn’t work, it has been more effective for me to calmly communicate my concerns to my husband.
• Examine your motives. As I just discussed, sometimes we nag because we are concerned. Other times we nag because we genuinely need help with things. However, sometimes we nag because we’re trying to micromanage our husbands, because we don’t want to complete a particular chore, or because it has become a habit. We need to be honest with ourselves about our motives. If we’re nagging for one of these latter reasons, then we need to address the issue so we stop.
• Don’t complete everything yourself. If we’re nagging because we truly believe it is best for our husbands to complete certain tasks or act on some advice, then there may come a time when we have to stand back and let them face the logical consequences of ignoring our requests (e.g., paying for an expensive repair because a problem wasn’t fixed in its early stages, being unable to wear a preferred shirt to work because it wasn’t placed in the laundry hamper). I’m not saying we should be mean or treat our husbands like children (I mentioned above that this isn’t beneficial), but I am saying that it is generally a bad idea for us to take on everything ourselves. Trying to do it all leaves us stressed and burned out. We may even jeopardize our safety by attempting to do too much at once or attempting to complete tasks we’re not strong enough and/or knowledgeable enough to complete. There are times when it’s best to let things go, even if this means our husbands must face unpleasant consequences.

Final thoughts

Nagging isn’t a respectful way of communicating with our husbands, but I do believe it is perfectly appropriate for wives to ask for help and make suggestions. Hopefully these tips can help us avoid the former as we do the latter.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Why do you think nagging doesn’t work? How do you avoid nagging your husband?

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Encouraging Hearts and Home and Busy Monday.