Have you ever noticed how kids often mirror their parents? In addition to sharing genetic similarities to their biological parents, kids reflect the behaviors, language, gestures, and interests of their parents. I see this all the time with my kids!
A recent example is the way in which my oldest child addressed my middle child when they were experiencing a conflict last week: “I’ve told you a hundred times…” I paused when I heard this, because I know I’ve used this phrase with my girls before. This particular phrase is pretty innocuous, but it’s not the only thing I hear my kids repeat. This was a great reminder to carefully choose the words I speak—and how I speak them—because little ears are listening.
Of course, I shouldn’t watch my words and my tone solely because my kids are listening; it’s right to do this all the time (Ephesians 4:29, James 1:9, etc.). It’s been a challenging season, and lately I’ve struggled with this. Whether it’s with my kids, a representative from our health insurance company, an employee at the store, or someone else, on many occasions I’ve caught myself complaining, responding in unkind tones, and speaking before I think.
I don’t want to do this, and I certainly don’t want my kids to do this because they’ve observed me doing it. One verse that has come to mind as I’ve given thought to this is Proverbs 15:1:
“A gentle response turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.” (NET)
If I respond to others in a manner that is not gentle, it doesn’t benefit anyone! It doesn’t accomplish anything for me, and it certainly doesn’t benefit the individual who is the recipient of my words. Why do we sometimes respond in harsh manners? I don’t know if these reasons are true for everyone, but here are some reasons why I think I do:
- Fatigue. When I’m tired, everything seems worse. The to-do list seems longer, the amounts on the bills seem higher, and my kids seem more inclined to be wild. At the same time, feeling tired means my patience and stamina are lacking.
- Worry. Like fatigue, worry makes everything seem worse. When I feel worried about something, it leaves me on edge so I’m likely to react quickly instead of thinking through a sensible response.
- Mirroring what I’ve seen. Just like our kids reflect what they see us do, we reflect what we saw growing up. Likewise, we tend to reflect the reactions of the individuals with whom we are interacting (e.g., if someone is rude to us, our natural response is often to be rude in return). I always have a choice in how I respond, of course, but it is instinctive to respond in the ways I’ve witnessed previously.
- An overflow of what’s inside. This is the most difficult reason for me to contemplate. It’s convenient to blame an unkind response on mirroring what I’ve seen or on being tired or anxious. It’s not as convenient to blame it on myself—on what’s in my heart. However, the Bible teaches that our mouths speak from what fills our hearts (Luke 6:45). In other words, I may be harboring something negative in my heart (frustration, bitterness, pride, etc.). An unkind response happens when this overflows into my speech.
How to give a gentle answer
It’s great to understand why I may not always respond in a gentle manner, but that’s not enough. I want to be proactive about responding gently. Here are two things I’ve found to be useful in trying to do this.
- Pause before speaking. When I was a kid, they used to say to pause and count to 10 to stay calm and avoid speaking impulsively. It sounds like this is too simple to be effective, but I’ve found that taking a moment to think before I speak really does make a difference! I’ve been reciting the words to Proverbs 15:1 as opposed to counting to 10, but the impact is the same. If you’d like to try this, you can use any number of strategies, including counting, repeating a mantra, reciting a verse, taking deep breaths, or squeezing a stress ball.
- Consume good inputs. “Garbage in, garbage out,” a concept often used in the context of computer science and math, means that the quality of input determines the quality of output. I believe that, to an extent, the same is true for us. If we are taking in rubbish, then rubbish is what we will produce. Remember the fatigue, worry, and mirroring I mentioned above? Poor quality inputs such as lack of sleep and poor nutrition contribute to fatigue and worry. Likewise, spending too much time reading anxiety-inducing headlines, hanging out with individuals who are quick to complain, and reading vitriol-filled exchanges on social media provide poor examples to mirror (they also likely contribute to fatigue and worry). All these garbage inputs can lead to the decidedly garbage outcome of unkind responses.
I imagine the process of learning how to give gentle responses is something I will be engaged in for the rest of my life. In my current season, these two strategies are helping me a great deal. Perhaps they will also be of help to you! Or perhaps you have other strategies that work? What things do you do to try to make sure your responses are gentle?
Pausing is something I’m really working on and I’m also working on using meditation to destress so I have ways of letting some of the things that used to annoy me be acknowledged and then pass so I can focus on the things that really matter not the things that tend to distract.