Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, is somewhat of a legend when it comes to marriage advice. Thus, I was thrilled when I received an email about an opportunity to review Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away, a revised and updated version of a book he originally published a decade ago.
This isn’t the sort of book that any and all couples will pick up and read. Dr. Chapman wrote it for individuals who are in desperate marriages. These individuals don’t necessarily want divorce, but they feel hopeless. They are coping with things like abusive spouses, unfaithful spouses, depressed spouses, etc. They aren’t sure if it is even possible to improve their marriages.
A couple of things stand out to me after reading this book. One is Dr. Chapman’s compassion. Whether it’s from his own experience as a spouse or his years of experience as a counselor, you can tell from his writing that he cares and has compassion for folks that are in hurting marriages. The other thing is his sense of reality. He doesn’t propose a magic formula that he claims will fix desperate marriages. In fact, he states that there is no such thing (p. 17) and reminds readers that his goal is to instill hope.
This book has numerous strengths:
- It’s written with the understanding that only one spouse is reading it. Many marriage books are written for couples to read together. This one is not. Dr. Chapman recognizes that it is unlikely both spouses in a troubled marriage will pick up and read this book, so he wrote it to be effective when read by only one half of a couple.
- Dr. Chapman takes the topic of abuse seriously. Unfortunately, I’ve read Christian authors and heard Christians in leadership (like pastors) offer pithy statements or trite platitudes to women who have shared that they are being abused in their marriages. In light of the Bible’s command that we care for and protect the vulnerable, I believe this is wrong. I’m happy to say that Dr. Chapman seems to take the topic of abuse seriously. He clearly explains that abused spouses need to get in safe places (p. 144) and reminds them that they cannot address the issue of abuse alone (p. 141).
- Some of the example marriages he cites end in divorce. Dr. Chapman shares about a lot of couples in the book. Unfortunately, some of these couples end up getting divorced. While this isn’t a positive thing, it is realistic. I appreciate that Dr. Chapman acknowledges that not every marriage can be saved.
- The first couple of chapters are useful for any couple, even those who aren’t struggling. Dr. Chapman provides some very useful information about myths we often believe, attitudes we hold, and what motivates us. I believe this information is helpful for all couples.
Despite these strengths, the book does have a few weaknesses:
- It’s not very specific. Dr. Chapman touches on a lot of topics, but he addresses each pretty superficially. I think he has the expertise to examine each deeply, but that simply isn’t possible in a short book (234 pages) that addresses so much.
- Dr. Chapman barely touches on the topic of sexual abuse in marriage. In this book, Dr. Chapman has a chapter on verbally abusive spouses and another on physically abusive spouses, but he lumps the topics of sexually abusive spouses and spouses who’ve experienced sexual abuse outside of marriage into one chapter. This makes no sense to me. Victims of childhood sexual abuse do face challenges in marriage, but these are so very different from the challenges being faced by spouses who are currently being sexually abused by their spouses. I believe it is inappropriate and ineffective to lump these two into one chapter.
Overall, I think Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away is a worthwhile read for individuals who are in desperate marriages. It’s not going to fix your marriage, but it will provide you with encouragement and insight. It may also be a catalyst that gets you in to see a counselor or helps you begin taking other actions that will have a positive impact on your marriage.
Have you read any good marriage books lately? Please share about these below.
A complimentary copy of this book was provided to me by the publisher in exchange for an honest review.
This sounds like a helpful resource.
The most recent book I’ve read on marriage is Cherish. I love the work of Gary Thomas and the high bar he sets for the marriage relationship.
I haven’t read that one yet, Michele, but I hope to soon. I’ve read many books by Gary Thomas and I’ve enjoyed all of them!
This sounds like a book for couples contemplating separation or divorce. With all the examples and tips, maybe they would get some hope. Or be able to look at their situation realistically.
Exactly, Theresa. I think it has the potential to instill a lot of hope in couples who are facing great challenges.
Thank you for this honest and transparent review. Definitely sounds like a book I would like to read, and I’m not in a desperate marriage. I bet there’s something in there for me, too! Your neighbor over at the encouraging hearts and home blog hop.
Yes, Tiffiney, there’s something in there for all of us! There were a few things I found to be really insightful and, like you, I’m not in a troubled marriage.
I’ve always liked his work. His books on the love languages changed our marriage for the better many years ago! I love that he was clear about abuse. I, too, have read too many Christian books and articles that tend to gloss over it. The big trouble with that is that a woman who is being abused is living in shame because her abuser is brilliant at putting her there. One who lives in shame but desires desperately to follow the Lord, only feels more of a failure and “bad” Christian if they leave the marriage. Once upon a time in my life, I was that woman. It is good to know there are more resources available today!
Thank you for sharing hope with us at #MomentsofHope!
Blessings and smiles,
Lori
His clear stance on abuse was one of the things I appreciated the most about the book. He definitely says many things that will instill hope in readers!