Forming Genuine Friendships in the Age of Social Media

Because we have many friends or followers on social media and we interact with these folks (often by “liking,” commenting on, or sharing posts), it seems like we are connected. However, this sense of connection is often an illusion. In fact, I bet many individuals walk away from time spent on social media feeling just as alone as they did before they used it.

Social media is useful for many things and it may even help us stay connected with certain friends and family members, but it is not a substitute for real friendships. Unfortunately, I think that social media can actually make it more difficult to connect with friends in real life. Here are a few reasons why:

• We feel that we don’t need to invest that much time or energy in real life friendships because we believe that our need for connection is being met online.
• We tend to put our “best foot forward” on social media, but in real life we can’t always do this. We have to be more honest about who we really are and how life is really going.
• Our emotional intelligence (our ability to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically) is blunted by our social media use. We grow dependent on social media shortcuts that don’t exist in real life. For example, in real life there is no “like” button and we can’t eliminate our interactions with individuals by unfriending or unfollowing them.

If this is true, then what should we do? Should we eliminate all of our social media accounts? Should we severely limit our use of social media? I think both of these options are worth our consideration, but I also think there are a number of simple things we can do to foster genuine friendships despite our use of social media.

How to form genuine friendships in the age of social media

• Have face-to-face contact with friends. A “like” can’t replace a hug, looking at pictures can’t replace the intimacy of eye contact, and a typed message can’t communicate as clearly as face-to-face communication that allows us to hear tone of voice and see body language. In fact, there is a lot of evidence that indicates we can’t maintain close friendships without face-to-face contact (source). If we’re going to have genuine friendships, then we need to spend time together so our relationships can be strengthened by these things that can only occur during in-person interactions.
• Meet new people. As we get into adulthood, we often move away from the friends we had during our teen and college years. These moves may be literal or figurative, but either way we end up needing to make new friends. It’s unlikely we will randomly meet new friends while grocery shopping, so it’s important that we get out and get involved in our communities (by joining clubs, volunteering, taking part in church, attending local festivals, etc.) so we can meet new friends.
• Get comfortable with self-disclosure. As I noted above, we censor what we share on social media—it often doesn’t reflect the realities of our lives. Genuine friendships are characterized by intimacy. In order to foster intimacy, we have to get comfortable sharing about our values, struggles, interests, dreams, and goals.
• Use multiple means of communication. Posting photos and sending messages aren’t the only ways to communicate. In addition to the face-to-face communication I mentioned above, there’s text messaging, email, phone calls, and even snail mail. We should use a variety of these when communicating with our friends. These allow us to share much more personal things than we want to broadcast over social media and they allow us to personalize our communication. Moreover, friends feel special when we take the time to personally communicate with them. Consider when you hear significant news from a friend (such as when she is expecting a baby or when her mom died). Do you prefer to learn of this straight from her or from a post on Facebook? Personally, I prefer the former, so I try to share things with my friends on a more personal basis.
• Use social media judiciously. Some of us may find it beneficial to stop using social media altogether, but most of us will continue to use it. I think we can use it and have genuine friendships, but we have to use it judiciously for this to happen. Here are some ways I do this:
  • I don’t friend or follow every person I’ve ever met. I sometimes get friend requests from individuals I met once at a get together or from people who know my husband. I don’t accept these requests. I’m only friends with people I actually know and want to keep up with (real life friends, former roommates and coworkers, relatives, etc.). This helps me use social media as a way to stay in contact with people with whom I’d like to maintain relationships!
  • I’m the same person online that I am in real life. Have you ever known someone whose online persona is entirely different from their in-person persona? I don’t want to be like this. I want to make sure I am as “real” online as I am when having face-to-face interactions with someone. By doing this, the friends I have in real life don’t have to wonder which Shannon is the real Shannon.
  • I limit how much time I spend on social media. If I have my face glued to the screen of my computer or cell phone, then I’m not going to see opportunities for building friendships, nor will I have the time or motivation to do so. Thus, I spend very little time on social media and I avoid accessing it on my smartphone.

I hope you’ll take an opportunity to share your thoughts! Do you think social media makes it difficult to form genuine friendships? How do you foster your in-person friendships?

Shared at the following:

Friday Frivolity, Tuesdays with a Twist, and Awesome Life Friday.