I don’t recall having a lot of conversations about politics back when my husband and I were dating. I’m sure we had some, but we definitely discussed things like faith, family, and our hopes for the future more frequently and in greater depth.
We’ve certainly had conversations about political issues from time to time since we got married, but the frequency and intensity of these conversations really picked up this past year. This has been challenging because my husband and I often disagree about political issues. We’ve had some tense moments because of this!
Is it possible for spouses with differing political views to have close, loving, and respectful relationships? Generally speaking, I think it is. I’m not saying it’s easy, but for many couples it is possible. Here’s how it works in my house.
How to keep the peace when spouses have different political views
Remember what marriage is and isn’t
The point of marriage isn’t for us to get a clone of ourselves so we can live out our days with someone who is just like us in every way. Marriage is for companionship (Genesis 2:18, Amos 3:3), for creating an ideal environment to raise children (Genesis 1:28; 1 Peter 3:7), for enjoyment (Hebrews 13:4), and for illustrating Christ’s love and relationship with the church (Ephesians 5:22-33; Revelation 21:2, 9).
While I think it would be nice if my husband and I agreed on political issues, it is not necessary for the above to be true of our relationship. When we got married, I committed to love and cherish him “for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health.” There was nothing in my vow about political views. In other words, I can and will stand by my commitment to him even if we disagree on politics.
Practice good communication regarding politics
I’ve written previously on how to have respectful conversations about differences and how to have constructive conversations about politics. I won’t repeat the contents of those posts here, but I do encourage you to read through the posts for tips on how to communicate respectfully about political differences.
The one thing I do want to reiterate here is that sometimes it is necessary to agree to disagree. There are some issues on which my husband and I simply can’t reach consensus. In order for our household to be a peaceful place, it is necessary for us to simply table those differences of opinion and move on.
Remember whose job it is to change minds
I hold my political opinions because I believe these are the correct ways to view things. My views come from a variety of sources (my life experience, my education, my considerations of the perspectives of experts, careful study of Scripture, prayerful reflection, etc.). Sometimes when my husband holds differing political opinions, I feel that he is believing in ways that are illogical, myopic, and/or contrary to Scripture. For me, this is the most difficult part of having differences of opinion. I find it difficult to respect him when I feel he is not being thoughtful or he is disregarding principles set forth in the Bible.
What helps me when I feel this way is remembering whose job it is to change minds and hearts. Hint: It’s not my job. It’s the job of the Holy Spirit (Romans 12:2, Ephesians 4:22-24). I believe that it is absolutely my job as a wife to engage in discussions about these things, to provide perspective, to challenge my husband’s thinking, and to provide both encouragement and constructive criticism. However, at the end of the day, it is not my role to change his mind. I feel great peace in knowing that I am responsible for my beliefs and my actions, not his. As long as I do my part in encouraging him, challenging him, and praying for him, then I’ve done what is asked of me.
Have politics-free zones or politics-free times
While it is important to have occasional discussions about politics, it is also important that these discussions don’t happen all of the time. We need a break from them. This is why I sometimes call a “timeout” in my home. When a discussion is going nowhere and tensions are rising, I simply suggest that we agree to disagree and move on.
One way to avoid the need for a timeout like this is to have certain areas or certain times that are free of political discussions. This may include times like holiday dinners. It may include areas like the bedroom. It’ll look different in each house. We’re still working on the details of this in my household, but I believe it is a useful strategy.
Find a common goal or project on which to focus
When my husband and I aren’t on the same page with political things, it can feel like we aren’t unified. Thus, it is nice to have some common goal or project to give us a sense of unity and collaboration. One thing we’ve been working on together for a couple of years is getting out of debt. We collaborate together on a budget each month, talk through decisions about purchases, etc. Likewise, we work on small projects around the house. Even simple things like working together to decide how to organize a space can go a long way in creating a sense of unity.
Final thoughts
I hope that you and your spouse agree on political topics, but if you don’t, then I hope this post is helpful to you. It helps me to keep in mind that differences can actually be strengths in marriage.
As I noted above, I think that most couples can thrive despite having differences of opinion when it comes to politics. I want to take a moment to address the reality that there are some couples who need professional assistance in navigating these differences. There is a phenomenon I’ve seen recently of individuals cutting off family members and longtime friends who disagree with them politically. This may be something that has always happened, but I’ve only recently witnessed it personally. I’ve seen a couple of individuals literally cut off communication with loved ones who won’t declare that they voted for a particular candidate. At least one of these individuals has also bought into harmful conspiracy theories that are demonstrably false.
If your spouse is threatening to cut off his or her relationship with you because of political views, then this post is clearly inadequate for your situation. Please reach out to a professional marriage counselor for assistance. Also, as hard as it is, if you feel unsafe or your spouse has made threats to harm you or others, please get help from law enforcement.
Do you and your spouse have differences of opinion when it comes to political topics? If so, how do you manage to keep the peace despite these differences?
Shared at the following:
Grace and Truth, Encouraging Hearts and Home, Busy Monday, and Over the Moon.
This is such a great post, Shannon! What a fantastic topic. Thank you for sharing your experience! I particularly love your line: “The point of marriage isn’t for us to get a clone of ourselves so we can live out our days with someone who is just like us in every way. ” Sometimes, I get the impression that people have the idea that they need someone who shares every opinion (going along with the idea of “soul mates”).
My husband and I honestly don’t talk politics very often; we’ll discuss things in-depth in the weeks leading up to an election, and go through the pros and cons of different candidates, but that’s mostly it. Even though our political views align fairly closely, we still vote in different ways occasionally-we both feel frustrated with the two-party system, and every now and then, we each want to deal with that differently. We respect each other’s choices, and neither of us is deeply involved in politics to begin with, so it works out pretty well for us.
I am also frustrated with our two-party system. We really need more options so candidates are able to express their unique perspectives and ideas without feeling limited to the official platform of one of only two parties. That’s one of many changes I’d like to see happen.
Oh my, fantastic and timely post, Shannon! So glad you linked up at Grace & Truth. I’m going to feature it at the linkup this Friday. It goes along nicely with what I’ve been posting about this week, which are our hidden biases. There are so many biases that get in the way of us having healthy relationships when we disagree about politics or any other subject (but politics is definitely the hot one right now).
Thankfully, my husband and I actually agree on politics, but while I could talk about it for hours, he has a much shorter tolerance for it. 😉 So I have to abide by that. I appreciate your God-centric approach here and the practical advice you give.
It sounds like your posts might be very timely and helpful, Lisa. I look forward to reading them!
Thanks for featuring my post!
Thank you for this thoughtful post… It was helpful. My husband and I do not currently agree on politics or on the coronavirus vaccine. Politics is less of a struggle and thankfully our kids are grown so they will make their own decisions about the vaccine. My prayers go out to the mother’s of young children trying to navigate these challenging times…
I feel for you, Jodi. That must be tough. I pray you have peace as you progress through the coming weeks and months with this key area of disagreement in your home.