How to Have Newlywed Enthusiasm After Years of Marriage

Several weeks ago my family was out having dinner at a restaurant. My husband and I were both casually observing a blissful man and woman who sat a few tables away. After a few minutes, we turned to one another and commented at the same time that they must be newlyweds.

We’re beyond our newlywed years. We’re in that place where quirks are no longer endearing (they’re annoying) and doing sweet things for one another is a chore (instead of a delight). It’s unfortunate, but I’ve yet to meet a husband and wife who didn’t lose their newlywed bliss with the passage of time.

I’ve been giving some thought to this as my husband and I prepare to celebrate our anniversary. Just because we’re not blissful newlyweds doesn’t mean we can’t be enthusiastic and excited about each other. Here are some simple ways I’m hoping to foster this enthusiasm.

Ways to infuse your marriage with enthusiasm

• Be generous with sexual and nonsexual touch. I think we can all agree that sex is important in marriage. However, we may not realize that nonsexual touch (holding hands, hugging, rubbing shoulders, etc.) is also important. Researchers say that both types of touch precipitate the release of oxytocin, a bonding hormone that helps us feel close to our spouses and can even cause feelings of euphoria (source). I don’t know what it’s like in your marriage, but over time it has become more difficult for my husband and me to make time for touch. Making both types of touch a priority has the potential to infuse considerable enthusiasm into our marriage!
• Make the environment in the bedroom more romantic. The longer my husband and I are married, the more cluttered our bedroom becomes. Clutter, along with things like tattered décor, odors, and poor lighting, can make the environments in our bedrooms pretty unromantic. Thankfully, there are many easy ways we can change these and set the stage for romance. Need ideas on how to do this? Check out this post on realistic ways to make your bedroom more romantic.
• Overlook little annoyances. Looking at life with a critical spirit doesn’t promote romance. When I’m critical about little things my husband does (like leaving his dirty clothes on the floor beside the bed instead of putting them in the hamper), my criticism gets in the way of romantic feelings. Little things like this are pretty inconsequential, so it’s best for us to overlook them (or even embrace them) and focus on the positive things our spouses do.
• Set goals together. My husband and I used to set a lot of goals together. With two kids (three kids, if you count the one about to be born), financial worries, and lots of demands on our time, we don’t do this as often anymore. I think this is because on most days we’re just trying to survive! Engaging in this practice helps couples reinvigorate their marriages because it gives them specific reasons to get excited, to create plans, and to work together to problem solve and implement solutions. There is something fresh and energizing about working as a team to achieve a mutual goal!
• Do little things to make him smile. As I noted earlier, it has become a chore to do sweet things for my husband (baking him his favorite cookies, vacuuming out his car, etc.). However, just because changes in our lives (namely the addition of children) make it more challenging to do these things doesn’t mean he appreciates them any less. In fact, he may appreciate these gestures even more when I make them in the midst of busy, stressful seasons. These gestures have the potential to add some excitement and stir up some great enthusiasm in our marriages.
• Go on dates. It’s so important that we step away from the demands of everyday life and get one-on-one time with our spouses. This is because our daily interactions aren’t always of the highest quality and they’re rarely romantic. Thankfully, a little time alone doing fun activities provides reminders of why we chose to marry our spouses! Even though my husband and I are on a tight budget, we’re able to find dates that work thanks to this list of date ideas for every season and every budget. Because finding and affording babysitters is a challenge, we also benefit from several strategies for getting time alone without sitters.
• Dress nicely. One thing dating and newlywed couples do is pay attention to their appearances. They want to impress each other, so they try to look nice. However, as they grow comfortable with one another, they put less effort into their appearances. This is where I find myself. I know I don’t have to impress my husband, so I rarely make time and put forth the effort to dress nicely. It’s good that I feel this comfortable, but I’m convinced that this communicates to my husband that he isn’t worth the effort—that in the early days of our marriage he was worth the effort, but he isn’t now. I don’t think I need to look perfect all of the time, but I do think it would communicate value to my husband if I would occasionally take some extra time with my hair and do things like change my clothes before dinner if they are covered in spit up. Communicating to our spouses that they matter shows our enthusiasm and will draw enthusiasm from them.

Obviously I can’t try all of these strategies at the same time or I will run myself ragged. I like having this list in front of me, though, because it helps me keep these approaches in mind. I can focus on one or two a month and take stock of how they are benefiting our marriage.

I’d love to hear what works for you. How do you maintain newlywed enthusiasm in your not-so-new marriage?