How to Have Respectful Discussions About Differences

When someone shares an opinion, it’s not uncommon for individuals who hold differing opinions to view the sharing as a personal attack. I think sometimes this is because people are too sensitive; they need to realize that not everything is personal. However, many individuals may assume it’s a personal attack because they’ve experienced attacks before. All too often we share our opinions on things like faith, politics, and lifestyle in order to assert that we are right, to shame the listener, and/or to badger them into adopting our perspective.

In reality, having a different opinion doesn’t necessarily mean we’re judging others, shaming them, or even trying to change their minds. We can have these motives, of course, but it is entirely possible to care about and respect others without sharing their views on a given topic.

This happens to me all the time. Sometimes it is in my own home when my husband and I disagree about a political issue. Sometimes it’s when I disagree with a neighbor about the work our city government is doing in our neighborhood. Sometimes it’s when I’m with my kids at a playdate and another mom and I disagree about whether a particular game or activity is appropriate for our kids. Regardless of the context, it is my hope as a Christian that I remain kind and respectful (John 13:34, Ephesians 4:29, Philippians 2:3-4, 1 Corinthians 10:24) as I discuss my opinions with these individuals. Here are my thoughts on how to do this.

Tips for having respectful discussions about differences

• Check motives. Why are we discussing our differences? Are we trying to get to know other people? Are we trying to understand what they feel, value, and think? These are good reasons. If, on the other hand, we are sharing in order to point out how others are wrong or to shame them, then these are bad reasons. If our motives are these latter things, then we should skip the conversations.
• Make sure the setting is right. There are certain times and places when it’s probably not a good idea to have deep, potentially charged discussions about differences. For example, discussing your opinions on the war on drugs at a funeral for someone who died of a drug overdose likely isn’t a good idea. Likewise, holiday dinners usually aren’t good times for these discussions. Casual gatherings or one-on-one interactions during times that aren’t stressful tend to be better options.
• Listen to understand. It’s not unusual for us to listen to reply. In other words, we listen well enough that we can formulate a response, but we aren’t really trying to understand what another person is saying. When discussing differences, it’s critical that we listen to understand. We want to see things from another perspective (kind of like we’re trying to “walk a mile in their shoes”). There are several things we can do to accomplish this:
  • Show attentiveness by having relaxed, open body language and making eye contact (if culturally appropriate).
  • Ask open-ended questions (questions that can’t be answered with a simple “yes” or “no”). Here are a couple of examples:
    • “What first made you think about this?”
    • “What concerns you about that?”
    • “How does that make you feel?”
  • Clarify that you understand by repeating back what was said.
• Use “I-statements.” When sharing our opinions or beliefs, it is important that we share them in a way that acknowledges that they aren’t universal truths that are accepted by everyone. Likewise, we don’t want to say them in a belittling way. Here are some examples:
  • “I’ve read studies that say…” instead of “Everyone knows that such-and-such is true.”
  • “When you say that, I feel angry” instead of “You make me feel angry.”
  • “In my experience, that is harmful because…” instead of “Haven’t you seen how harmful that is?”
• Find common ground before agreeing to disagree. The reality is that simply discussing our differences doesn’t mean we are going to come to share the same perspective. However, it can help us find some common ground before we agree to disagree. We can conclude discussions by identifying this common ground (for example, stating that all parties in the discussion are trying to do what is right, care deeply about their families, are trying to create a better future, etc.) and acknowledging that we now have better understanding of another perspective.

We can’t control how others think, so it’s always possible that some folks will presume the worst of us despite using the approach I described above. However, we can control the way we do things. If we make the effort to be respectful in our communications about differences, then we know we’ve done the right thing regardless of how others perceive us (Acts 24:16).

How do you handle discussions about differences? How would you recommend we approach these conversations?

Shared at the following:

Encouraging Hearts and Home, Over the Moon, and Busy Monday.