How to Help Siblings Work Out Their Own Conflicts

One of the wonderful things about having kids who are close in age is that they grow up as best friends. My daughters, who are currently ages 7, 5, and 3, are a great example of this. They spend a lot of time acting out stories with their dolls, coloring pictures, building cities out of blocks, etc. Unfortunately, sometimes I’ll be listening contentedly to their antics from another room when the calm will be interrupted with a shout of “Hey, that’s mine!” This will be followed by a “No, it’s mine!” and a “Mom!”

You get the idea. One minute they are best friends and the next they are worst enemies. As parents, it’s often easiest to step in and settle the problem like a referee. Though this deals with the immediate issue, it isn’t particularly beneficial for kids. What is beneficial is for kids to learn how to work out their own conflicts so when the next one arises, they can address it on their own. Likewise, they will be able to use these conflict resolution skills when addressing conflicts with others (friends, roommates, coworkers, neighbors, etc.) as they grow older.

Strategies to help kids work out conflicts

I’m sure there are experts who could provide you with a long list of helpful strategies. I’m not one of these—I’m just a mom who is currently in the thick of it. However, I’ve found some easy strategies that are helping my kids. They might help your kids, too.

Lay some ground rules

Kids’ attempts to work out their conflicts can quickly degenerate into a free-for-all if they aren’t given ground rules for handling conflicts. In my house, these ground rules are straightforward:

• No hitting, kicking, or pushing
• No name-calling
• No insults
• No yelling or shouting
• If you make fun of a sibling who gets in trouble, you will also be in trouble

Allow each child to share her perspective of the issue

To delineate the issue and identify when it began, each child gets to share her perspective of what is happening. I encourage my kids to use “I” statements when presenting their perspectives (“I saw you…” or “I feel…” instead of “You did…” or “You make me feel…”). This increases clarity and minimizes defensiveness. In addition to making sure everyone is on the same page regarding the issue, sharing perspectives provides an opportunity for my kids to calm down and helps them understand that their concerns matter.

Encourage each child to view the situation from various perspectives

Once each child has had the opportunity to share her perspective of the issue, I encourage my girls to articulate the perspective or perspectives they heard (i.e., to paraphrase the other perspectives “in your own words”). This makes sure they are listening and seems to help them develop empathy.

Brainstorm a solution

Just as each child got to share her perspective of the issue, each child gets to propose a possible solution. In my experience, each kid generally proposes solutions that benefit her (not her siblings), so I encourage them to think of win-win solutions, where each side gains something. Once the possible solutions have been proposed, I encourage them to select one that works for everyone.

If no solution can be agreed upon, then use an impartial tactic to determine the solution

The strategies described above often work in helping my girls solve their conflicts. However, sometimes they simply can’t work it out. In these instances, I encourage them to utilize an impartial approach to ending the conflict. Usually this involves flipping a coin or playing a round of Rock-Paper-Scissors. For example, they may flip a coin to see who gets to play with a toy first or play Rock-Paper-Scissors to determine who gets to decide which park we go to.

Additional tips

There are several other things that I think we should keep in mind as we help our kids work through their conflicts:

• Model good conflict resolution with friends and family because kids learn through observation.
• Avoid yelling at or lecturing the kids. It does not help.
• Pay attention to when and where conflicts happen. Sometimes small adjustments to the environment or schedules can keep some conflicts from happening.
• Avoid taking sides and favoring one child over another.
• Don’t force an apology. When one child is in the wrong, don’t force her to give a disingenuous apology. Only sincere apologies carry weight.
• Learning conflict resolution isn’t a quick process, so be patient and anticipate that it will take time for kids to master these skills.

Final thoughts

As I just noted, learning how to resolve conflicts isn’t a quick process. In fact, my kids are young enough that they still need a lot of guidance as they attempt to work through their conflicts. This will probably remain the case for a while. However, as they practice things like articulating their perspectives and looking at issues from other perspectives, it’s becoming easier for them to resolve conflicts independently.

What has been your experience with teaching kids to resolve their own conflicts? What skills do they need the most and what are the best ways to teach them these skills?

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