My kids know who Santa is, but they don’t believe he is a real person. They enjoy him as a fictional character, just as they do fairy tale princesses and superheroes. This isn’t the case for most of our friends and family members. The children in these families believe that Santa is real, and this is an important part of their Christmas celebrations.
I have a deep respect for holiday traditions because these benefit families in so many ways. Thus, I don’t want my kids to spoil the surprise for other families. How can I keep my kids from “correcting” other children when they make statements about sending letters to Santa or Santa delivering gifts to them? Here is the approach that is working for us so far.
How to keep kids from telling others that Santa isn’t real
- Share the Santa story. Nearly 85% of American children believe in Santa (source). This means that my kids interact with dozens of children who may mention Santa during the Christmas season. Because of this, I think it is helpful for my kids to understand the basics of the Santa story. They know about Saint Nicholas and how his generosity lives on in the Santa tradition. They know stories about Santa living at the North Pole, flying in a sled, delivering gifts, etc. This helps my kiddos understand what other children are talking about when they speak of Santa.
- Explain that some kids believe Santa is real. I’ve explained to my kids and remind them frequently during the Christmas season that many kids believe that Santa is real. I’ve emphasized to them that this is a very important part of their celebrations and that it is not their job to share the truth with these kids. I’ve pointed out to them that they can actually be “big helpers” (something they love to do) by assisting these kids moms and dads by not spilling the beans about Santa.
- Emphasize differences and respect. For the rest of their lives, my kids will interact with individuals who hold views that differ from theirs (values, religious beliefs, political opinions, etc.). I can use Santa as an opportunity to introduce this concept and to teach my kids that though we may not agree with these views, we always treat others with respect. In this case, we don’t share their belief in Santa, but we respect it and don’t try to take it away from them. I remind my kids that we wouldn’t like it if someone ruined our important traditions (Jesse Tree readings and ornaments, baking cookies, putting up decorations, etc.). We need to treat others with the same respect we want them to give us. In this case, we respect their belief in Santa by not making fun of it or telling them Santa isn’t real.
- Learn about other traditions. Santa isn’t the only Christmas tradition in which we don’t take part. Around the world, families celebrate Christmas in diverse ways. I’ve found it helpful (and interesting) to get some books on this topic from the library. We’ve been able to read about unique Christmas traditions from around the globe. This helps us have a greater understanding of the world around us and it helps my kids see that Santa is just one of many ways that other kids celebrate Christmas.
- Help them formulate responses. Though I don’t want my kids to ruin Santa for those who believe in him, I also don’t want them to feel like they have to tell lies to support these beliefs. Thus, I’ve given them some pointers regarding how to respond during conversations about Santa. This is tough because kids are candid! However, I’ve encouraged them to respond in polite, neutral ways. For example, if another child shares about writing a letter to Santa, they can simply say, “That sounds nice.” If a child talks about the gifts that Santa left under the tree, they can say, “How exciting!” It’s tricky if a child asks them a specific question (for example, “What did Santa bring you?”). For these questions, I’ve encouraged them to answer honestly about what did happen (for example, “We opened lots of presents this morning. My favorite was the…”). I don’t know how well my kids will be able follow these recommendations, but I hope having talked through some possibilities will make it easier for them to formulate responses that are truthful and provide space for other kids’ belief in Santa.
There’s a lot going on right now because it is the Christmas season, so I feel a little silly giving this so much thought. However, we care about the people with whom we interact. We want to be loving and support their traditions. I hope that preparing my kids for conversations about Santa will help us do this!
How do you handle this situation? Whether your kids have outgrown their belief or they never believed to begin with, how do you keep them from spoiling the surprise for kids who do believe?
This is such a great post, and I love (and really appreciate) your ideas! My three-year-old only has a vague notion of Santa (we don’t “do Santa,” so when we see pictures of Santa we refer to him as a character inspired by St. Nicholas), so we haven’t gotten to the point of helping him formulate responses to kids who do believe in Santa-but I should probably do that! (I think one of his young relatives, who he will be seeing at Christmas, believes in Santa-and I wouldn’t want him to spoil it) Thank you for getting me thinking about this!
Just a couple of days ago we left a gathering and Amaris asked me, “Why did Erin say she sent a letter to Santa? Who’d she send it to?”
I’m so glad we’ve been talking about this to prepare her!
Even for those who don’t believe or never believed there is a feeling at Christmas that one doesn’t wish to have spoiled. I think for me that was what helped with the transition from being a strong believer in the Santa tradition to not wanting to ruin it for the younger extended family that still believed when I came of age. Part of it was getting to participate in the activities I’d been excluded from as adults scrambled to assemble the Santa Magic.
I love the idea of you talking to them about not ruining it for other kids by teaching them tolerance for others beliefs. They will encounter many people with beliefs they may never share but they will need to accept. Santa is perhaps the simplest method to start this journey with and make the later ones more attainable.
It’s great that we can use something this simple to illustrate a larger idea (being tolerant of the beliefs of others).
You’re definitely right that we don’t want to spoil this for others!
This is such a great and helpful post! Thank you so much for sharing with us at Encouraging Hearts and Home. Pinned.
You’re welcome! Thanks for hosting, Joanne.
I was happy to see this post. My son is now 7. He was never told that Santa is real. I also was raised in a family where we were never told that Santa was real. My Mom’s logic was that if she “lied” to me about that, how would I believe her about other things without proof – like the existence of God? I think this is a little more dramatic than it has to be 🙂 but my personal logic was that I want to be able to look my son in the face and honestly tell him I never misled him intentionally, so the very first time he point blank asked me if Santa was real (which was at age 2), I was honest.
I told him that we all play a game around Christmas – the Santa game. Adults all know it is a game, but many families like to pretend the game is true while their kids are small. That I think he can handle knowing it’s a game, but DO NOT ruin other people’s games. Every family gets to play how they want. I told him a cautionary tale about how I revealed the game to my friend – who was 12 years old at the time! – and she cried for a week. It’s not our place to reveal the game.. that’s for each family to decide. The game is that we imagine there is a kind man who give presents to all the kids on Christmas. In reality, your parents get you gifts, or perhaps the community helps if your parents can’t. (We got charity like this growing up, so I could share that story too). That Santa is a symbol that reminds us to be each other’s Santa and care for each other during Christmas time.
He has never “ruined the game” for anyone – even when his cousins came to spend Christmas with us and believe in Santa (that was even tough for me not to spoil the game! We are so used to explaining how we remembered each other’s wants and the story behind finding the gift.. but I had to keep saying “Yeah, Santa did a good job, huh?” :P)
Anecdotally, I am so happy we never played the game, after seeing his cousins just open their presents, shrug, then go to the next. I mean, it’s not like Santa’s in the room, so no need to thank anyone, right? In contrast, my son will run over to thank us, appreciates the personal effort (and financial effort) it takes us to remember and track down the things he’d like. I think that’s an important lesson about both the joy of giving as well as being grateful for how others do things for you. My niece and nephew aren’t getting that from the Santa game.
Regarding answers other kids questions/comments about Santa. It’s a good life lesson, I think, that there’s no need to give your opinion when you’re not asked for it. So if someone says “I sent my list to Santa!” there is no need to interject your personal feelings about Santa (or any other topic). They are talking about THEM so why change it to YOU. It’s fine (and actually preferable) to just say something like “Good for you!” or any supportive other comment that keeps the topic about that person. I did coach my son that if asked point blank, “Do you believe in Santa?,” we should never lie, but you can re-direct with something like “Hmm.. What do you think?” or if totally pressed say “I’m not sure.”
I definitely felt uneasy about lying to my kids, which is one of the reasons we decided against doing Santa.
I love your point about teaching our kids that they don’t have to give their opinions when not asked. This is an important skill, and it’s one that many adults don’t have! This is a great opportunity to teach this skill.