When I see my troubles juxtaposed with the struggles and challenges being faced by others (for example, the missiles being hurled at the people of Ukraine), I realize that the things I face barely qualify as “challenges.” Others have it so much worse. Though this is objectively true—hardships like noisy neighbors and minor illnesses are minuscule compared to war—I wrote last week about how we shouldn’t write off our own suffering when it pales in comparison to what others experience.
As I noted in that post, downplaying our own suffering has negative consequences. It leads us to ignore our feelings, which increases our stress, causes feelings of self-doubt, harms our self-esteem, and heightens our anxiety. Consequently, I suggested a different approach. I call it the “both-and approach.” We don’t have to choose between acknowledging either our suffering or the suffering of others; we can acknowledge both our suffering and the suffering of others.
In today’s follow-up, I’m sharing some practical things I believe we can do to help ourselves process our own suffering.
Take a break from the news and social media
The news is often a barrage of images and stories of suffering. On the other hand, social media is often a barrage of people looking great, showing their new workouts, and telling stories about their seemingly perfect accomplishments. The former can make it difficult for us to feel like our suffering is valid. The latter can make us feel the need to “choose happiness” and pretend like everything is great even when we don’t feel that way.
Rather than be bogged down by these conflicting pressures, it’s often best to just take a break. I don’t utilize social media very much these days, but this is very relevant to me when it comes to the news. It is so helpful to just take a break. I’ll read a bit of the news in the morning and then avoid looking at it again until I read a bit again in the evening. Breaks like this, whether from the news or social media, give us time to focus on and process what is happening inside ourselves.
Don’t ignore feelings and emotions
When we are experiencing hardships, it’s important to remind ourselves that it is okay to not be okay. Struggling doesn’t mean we are weak or indolent; it means we are human. Once we acknowledge that we are not okay, we can begin recognizing our feelings and emotions (fear, sadness, pain, frustration, anger, confusion, etc.). This is the starting point. We must sit with these feelings and emotions and find effective ways to work through them. Sometimes feelings and emotions can be processed simply by journaling. Sometimes talking through them with a trusted loved one, a pastor, or a mental health professional works. Other times these feelings and emotions are catalysts for actions, and completing these actions helps us process things. What is needed will be different depending on the person and the situation. Sometimes this is a quick process and sometimes it’s a lengthy one. Regardless of the specifics, the important thing is that we acknowledge our feelings and work to process them.
Keep in mind that feelings aren’t mutually exclusive
Amid a hardship (whether a personal one or one that I am watching from afar), I’ll often experience a moment of excitement or joy. When this happens, I’ll sometimes feel a sense of guilt. Is it okay to feel excited when so much is going wrong? Should I be feeling happy when so many others are suffering?
Feelings aren’t mutually exclusive, so this is another place where we need to employ a both-and approach. I can be concerned about what is happening in Ukraine and be excited about an upcoming visit with my family. We can experience grief at a funeral and feel joy at getting to see loved ones we haven’t seen in a long time. You can feel sad about a friend losing his job and feel excited about a promotion you just received at work. Experiencing multiple feelings at once is completely normal, even when these feelings conflict with one another.
Use validating phrases
Our words are so consequential. In fact, the Bible teaches that life and death are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). The words we speak literally make or break people. Therefore, it is critical that we use validating phrases when addressing our suffering, even when we know that others are facing worse hardships.
Do things to help others
One of the most challenging aspects of knowing others are suffering in significant ways is feeling like there is nothing I can do to help. For example, regarding the current situation in Ukraine, all I can do is pray and donate small amounts of money to organizations that are able to work locally. This doesn’t feel like it’ll really make a difference. Of course, if many individuals give a little, then there will be enough for organizations to do their work, but it still feels like my contributions are inadequate.
When I was thinking about this the other day, I realized that there are always opportunities to help people around me in hands-on ways. When a neighbor is receiving treatment for cancer, I can take dinner over so she can rest instead of preparing food for her family after receiving a chemo treatment. When a friend is trying to find a new job after being let go from her last one, I can volunteer to watch her kids when she has an interview scheduled. Small gestures like these go a long way in easing the suffering of those around us.
One remarkable thing about helping others is that it benefits us. It can actually help us cope with and process our own suffering! Among other things, helping others cultivates optimism, boosts self-esteem, creates a sense of purpose, and produces a “helper’s high” that makes us feel good. Both science and the Bible show this (Proverbs 11:25).
As I noted in last week’s post, I believe we often downplay our own suffering because we want to keep things in perspective, be grateful, avoid feeling sorry for ourselves, and be compassionate to others. Helping others in their suffering helps us do all these things without brushing off our own suffering.
Final thoughts
Handling hardships is difficult enough without the added burden that comes when we downplay our feelings because “others have it worse.” Let’s recognize our suffering and the suffering of others. Let’s be compassionate towards ourselves and others. Let’s do what we can to help ourselves in our suffering and help others in their suffering.
What do you think about these suggestions? Do you think they will help you process your own suffering despite being aware of the significant hardships being faced by others? What additional ideas can you share?
These are great ideas, Shannon! For Lent this year, I actually decided to “give up” the news in a way-on one day a week, I’ll go online a few different times (for short periods) to check up on different bits of news locally and worldwide, so that I’m somewhat informed. When Russia first began attacking Ukraine, I had found myself refreshing news pages every few minutes, so I could be “up to date” on everything, but that led me to grow more anxious, worried, frustrated, and not truly be present to my husband or children…I’ve found that only checking updates once a week has helped me to peacefully “let go and let God” as well as focus on caring for my family and those around me. And you make some great comments on feelings! A therapist once told me to note that my feelings give me information, and that I can choose what to do with those feelings and that information-it helped me realize that it’s good to honestly acknowledge all of our feelings, but not get bogged down in them; to use them/their information to determine how I will address a situation.
That’s been my experience with the news, AnneMarie. I want to stay up to date, so I read it too much and it isn’t beneficial. What a fantastic thing to give up for Lent!
I really appreciate that way of framing feelings. If we’d stop viewing them as good or bad, right or wrong, etc. and just view them as information about how we need to address a situation, then we’d probably do a lot better job at handling the situations in our lives.