Many, many years ago, when I was in elementary school, I had a teacher who had the following recommendation posted on her wall: Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. I didn’t think about this quote very much when I was in her class, but I’ve thought about it a lot in recent months.
As is often the case, experience is a great teacher. I’ve been experiencing some “battles” recently. Earlier this year, my youngest child was diagnosed with autism. She’s currently 4 years of age, but she has significant developmental delays. The diagnosis didn’t change anything—she’s the same child she was before receiving it—but now, in addition to working with sensory sensitivities, limited communication abilities, etc., we’re navigating weeks filled with therapy appointments. I will gladly battle every day of my life to get her the things she needs. However, it would be disingenuous of me to pretend that it doesn’t take a lot of effort and sometimes leaves me drained.
I’ve realized a couple of things when using my recent experience as a frame of reference for the quote I mentioned above. The first is that moms (and other adults) need to be less judgmental of how others parent their children. I confess that I have judged other moms at times. For example, I’ve patted myself on the back because my two older kids are so mature, independent, and well behaved when compared to another mom’s kids. Likewise, I’ve felt good about my parenting because I don’t feed my kids the junk that another mom feeds hers.
Parenting an autistic child has been an effective antidote to any parenting hubris I had. My youngest daughter “looks normal,” so I am keenly aware of what it must look like to have an older child who is still in diapers, who needs considerable help with basic tasks, and who is able to use only a few words. My perspective has changed so much.
The second thing I’ve realized is that it doesn’t take that much to be kind. I’ve spent literal hours on the phone with representatives from the insurance company and various therapy offices trying to get my daughter the care she needs. There are times when it feels like everyone, especially individuals at the insurance company, are doing everything they can to keep my daughter from accessing care. I’m generally a calm, respectful person, but sometimes I feel so frustrated that I end up speaking in inconsiderate tones and/or saying unkind things.
I know that this isn’t the right way to respond (Ephesians 4:29). As I’ve given thought to this, I’ve realized that it really doesn’t take that much to be kind. In fact, the amount of effort it takes is minimal. Even when I’m tired and stressed, a quick prayer for assistance can help me muster the energy to speak gently, say thank you, and not offer my unsolicited thoughts on how the company/office is handling the situation (2 Corinthians 12:9).
Though my point here is that I can muster the energy to be kind, I want to draw attention to the way this example illustrates the cyclical nature of kindness. If I can be kind despite the battle I’m fighting, then I actually make things easier for the representatives as they fight their own battles. If I avoid burdening them, then hopefully they will find it easier to be kind to others, perpetuating the cycle.
For many of us, the Thanksgiving and Christmas seasons are times when we try to be charitable. We donate money, we volunteer our time, we spread good cheer, etc. These can all be impersonal forms of giving. This year, I’m focusing on making sure I am also charitable in personal ways by not judging how others parent and remaining kind even when situations are frustrating.
The things I’ve shared here may resonate with you, and perhaps you would also like to focus this season on avoiding judgement and being kind. However, the battles you are fighting may be very different from my own. Whatever you are experiencing, I hope that you will take the lessons you are learning and be able to turn them into practical actions that will benefit others. If nothing else, please join me in remembering that all of us are fighting battles and a little kindness goes a long way.
What a treasured message today. As a retired Social worker who spent my years working lovingly with both children and adults with intellectual and development disabilities I hear your frustration and I am encouraged by your words about showing kindness, because in reality we don’t know what battle someone is going through. May we be the hands and feet of Jesus. Your words touched my soul today.
Visiting today from Encouraging Hearts & Home #4&5
Hi Paula,
Thanks for stopping by! I imagine you were such a blessing to the folks you worked with as a social worker.
Yes, let’s be the hands and feet of Jesus.
This is beautiful, Shannon, and such an important message! So challenging, but so needed. And I’m sure it must be incredibly frustrating and difficult to deal with insurance companies and look around for resources. I hope that you and your husband are able to peacefully navigate that all and find what your daughter needs!
If you are interested, there is an online ministry/website called Accepting the Gift (the author and blogger Kelly Mantoan runs it), its geared towards parents of kids with special needs of various types. While it’s run by Catholics, I’m sure there’s lots they discuss that Christians from all different churches can benefit from.
Thanks for the kind words, AnneMarie, and for the resource suggestion. We’ve been so busy that I haven’t really been able to look at various resources, but we definitely need them!