Managing the Stress of Motherhood

Last week I noted a number of stressors that moms encounter regularly. I also noted that it is perfectly normal for moms to feel stress because challenging tasks, including parenting, increase the demands put on our bodies and minds (stress is our physiological and psychological response to these demands).

We’re not at our best as parents when we’re stressed out. Given this, what should we do about stress? How can we manage it so we’re not snapping at our kids and our health doesn’t suffer?

I’ve always felt some stress as a mom, but there was an uptick in this after we added a third child to our family last fall. I’ve been struggling over the last couple of months to figure out how to manage this. I still don’t have all of the answers, but I’ve discovered a few things that are helpful.

Tips for managing mom stress

Accept that it is not going to go away

One thing I hear moms repeat over and over again is that “this is just a season and it will pass eventually.” Sleep deprivation due to night feedings? It will pass. Toddler temper tantrums? It will pass. Busy balancing school, extracurricular activities, and family time? It will pass.

Sorry, fellow mamas, but it’s not going to pass. Sure, specific stressors will go away, but they will be replaced by other stressors. When we’re no longer up all night feeding babies, we’ll be up late waiting to see if our kids make it home by curfew. When we’re no longer dealing with bedwetting, we’ll be dealing with bullies. Regardless of how old our children become, we’ll always face parenting stressors.

I’ve noted before that we don’t do ourselves any favors when we comfort ourselves with the thought that our current season will pass and things will get better. It is worth repeating here. We will never learn to manage stress if we ignore it because we assume it will go away some day. We need to confront it instead of biding our time.

Identify the times and situations that are most stressful

When do you feel the most stress? When you’re trying to get dinner on the table? When you’re getting the kids into bed? On Sunday mornings when you’re rushing around trying to get to church on time? (For me, it’s all of the above!)

If we can identify these stressful times and situations, then we can sometimes find ways to address particular stressors. For example, we might be able to move up the time we start bedtime routines or we might be able to get more things ready the night before so we aren’t so rushed before church.

Adjust your routines

Routines help us stay on track and complete tasks quickly. As changes happen in our lives, our routines also need to change or else they begin to hinder us. This is what I’m experiencing right now. The amount of time it takes us to get ready has increased, nap times have changed, we are now homeschooling my oldest child, etc. These changes mean that my current routines no longer work. I’m trying some different approaches. This can be frustrating because it takes time and energy to try out different routines, but it’s worth it because suitable routines eventually streamline our tasks, saving us time and energy. In my experience, morning routines and bedtime routines are the two most critical to address because the former lays a foundation for how today will go and the latter lays a foundation for how tomorrow will go.

Pick your battles

Every single day there are numerous times when my kids and I don’t see eye to eye. I want my 2-year-old to wear pants, but she doesn’t want to wear pants (or shorts or skirts or anything else that will clothe the lower half of her body). I want my 2-year-old and 4-year-old to eat numerous vegetables, but they only want to eat a couple of vegetables. I want my 7-month-old to lay still while I change her diaper, but she wants to roll over while I change her diaper.

In parenting, and in life in general, there are some battles that are worth fighting and some that aren’t. We feel less stress when we stick to fighting the important battles. For example, my 2-year-old must be fully clothed when we leave the house. This is non-negotiable. However, it’s not a big deal if she wants to wear olive green socks with her pink and purple dress or if she wants to wear a long-sleeved shirt when it is 90°F outside.

Limit your exposure to negative thoughts and comments

When we’re surrounded by negative content such as friends who complain all of the time or social media posts that are full of fearmongering and bickering, then we begin to look at life through a lens of negativity. We’re on heightened alert for it. We start noticing that our kids do the same things that our friends were complaining about their kids doing. Our kids get runny noses and we start worrying that they have that rare disease we saw the alarmist post about on Facebook. We snap at our spouses because we’re on edge.

We can’t avoid negative content entirely, but we can avoid unnecessary exposure to it. We can stop spending so much time on social media, we can limit our contact with friends who are negative, and we can spend less time reading/watching the news.

Make sleep a priority

The things that cause us to feel stress are so much more difficult to handle when we are tired. Thus, we must find ways to get the sleep that we need. I know this isn’t easy. I have an infant who is still feeding in the middle of the night. I can’t “sleep when the baby sleeps” because by oldest no longer naps. She does have a rest time in the afternoon, but she’s too young to be left unsupervised. I’ve found that it is essential that I go to bed as early as I can. This means I can’t get caught up on housework after my kids go to bed. I have to let that go and get the sleep instead. You’ll have to get creative to see what works for you!

Make exercise a priority

Exercise is beneficial for so many reasons. Stress management is one of the more significant of these benefits. It’s awesome if you are able to do something like join a gym or go running while your spouse watches the kids. However, even if you don’t have a gym membership or someone to watch the kids, you can still get exercise. You can go bicycling as a family, wrestle with the kids, or do aerobics in your living room along with an exercise video. Personally, I love taking my girls on walks and taking them to playgrounds where I get exercise while pushing them on the swings and chasing them around.

Stop comparing yourself to others moms

Comparison takes time and effort, but it doesn’t benefit us. In fact, it just leaves us feeling bad. Parenting is hard. We all have days during which we don’t get our kids’ hair done and we end up grabbing fast food because we don’t have time or energy to cook. It’s okay. It doesn’t matter if we haven’t showered in two days and are still in PJs at 5:00pm. It perfectly fine if our homes (or birthday cakes, dinners, etc.) aren’t suitable for Pinterest. None of these things matter. We shouldn’t look at other moms who appear to have it all together and compare ourselves to them. It’s not worth the time or effort. It doesn’t benefit us and we’re okay, imperfections and all.

Ask for help

It’s not easy to ask for help, but it’s important that we grow comfortable asking for it. This is because having help can really reduce our stress. If you have a village (trustworthy family members, friends, neighbors, etc.), then ask for help. See if someone can help watch the kids while you clean or can watch them while you get some sleep. If you don’t have a village, then try to meet another mom with whom you can swap babysitting or consider hiring a babysitter to help.

Teach your children to be responsible

One of the most important things we do as parents is equipping our children with life skills so they are prepared to be responsible adults. A wonderful side effect of this is that they gain skills to help out around the house. Assigning chores to our kids (or simply having them lend a hand as we cook and clean) really reduces the amount of work we have to do! Get them vacuuming, peeling potatoes, and washing dishes. Even toddlers can do things like picking up their toys, folding washcloths, and dusting low tables. They learn the skills and we need the help. It’s a win-win situation!

Learn to say no

We do not have to take our kids to every birthday party to which they are invited. We do not have to enroll our kids in multiple extracurricular activities. We do not have to say “yes” every time someone at church (or the PTA, mommy group, etc.) asks us to do something. We can—and should—sometimes say “no.” When we spread ourselves too thin, then we’re not able to put adequate effort into anything. Our health and our relationships suffer. What’s better, in my opinion, is setting healthy boundaries. We do this by choosing a few things and putting our effort into these (i.e., quality instead of quantity).

Avoid forming bad habits

Sometimes we don’t respond well to stress. We turn to harmful coping strategies (emotional eating, drinking too much, smoking, social withdrawal, watching too much TV, etc.). Unfortunately, these strategies often make stress worse! This is because they provide momentary escapes, but don’t do anything to actually address the stress. Additionally, most jeopardize our health. It’s much better for us to avoid these and focus our efforts on the other strategies listed here!

Final thoughts

I did not intend for this post to be quite so long, but I think everything I’ve written is valuable! Hopefully there is something in all of it that will benefit you. Those of you who are familiar with my blog may find it surprising that I didn’t mention prayer and Bible reading somewhere on this list. These are both so valuable. In fact, prayer is my go-to approach for dealing with mom stress. However, I wanted to look at some other approaches because I’ve already written a few posts about how moms need (and can find) time for prayer and Bible reading:

• Finding Time to Spend With the Lord as a Busy Mom
• Can Busy Moms Really Find Time to Spend with God? (Part 1)
• Can Busy Moms Really Find Time to Spend with God? (Part 2)

I’d love to hear about your experience. How do you manage the stress of motherhood?

Shared at the following:

Encouraging Hearts and Home, Over the Moon, and Busy Monday.