A few months ago, when I was nearing the end of my third pregnancy, a friend from church asked if I needed help with anything. I didn’t give any thought to her question before I responded that we were doing fine and didn’t need any help.
I thought about her question later that day, though, and realized that I actually did need help. Given I had two young kids and third trimester fatigue, I needed help with just about everything—cleaning my house, preparing meals, getting groceries, weeding the front garden, doing laundry, etc.
Why did I tell my friend “no” without even considering the fact that I needed help? When I offer help to others who are busy or in difficult seasons, why do they so often say “no” without seeming to consider if there is something with which I could help? I’ve given some thought to this and I believe there are at least five common reasons why so many of us have difficulty accepting help.
Why it is difficult to accept help
- We don’t want to feel like we aren’t enough. Our culture is very competitive and promotes self-sufficiency as a virtue. Consequently, we tend to think that needing help means we are deficient in some way. If we need help, then we’re not organized enough. We’re not skilled enough. We’re not good enough.
- We don’t want to owe anyone anything. Many of us (consciously or subconsciously) keep a mental ledger of the things we’ve done for others and the things they’ve done for us. We like to keep things balanced. Things get off-kilter when we accept help from someone (accepting help means that we will “owe” the helper something nice in return). Many of us don’t want to feel as though we are in debt to others, so we avoid accepting their help.
- We want to be in control. Whether it is in regard to laundry, meal preparation, caring for our kids, housecleaning, or other aspects of our daily lives, many of us like to be in control of how things are done. Accepting help means that we may lose some of this control. Someone may deliver a dinner that includes foods we don’t like. Someone may fold our shirts differently than we do. Someone may pick up grocery items that aren’t our preferred brands.
- We feel it is selfish to accept help. Though we might be in seasons where we’d really benefit from help, most of us aren’t desperate—we’re making it okay. We know that there are folks out there who are experiencing much more difficult situations. We feel it is selfish to accept help when these individuals have greater need for it.
- We don’t feel that the offers of help are sincere. It’s not uncommon for friends and family members to offer to help because this is the right thing to do. They may not desire to help, but they know it is nice to offer. We may be guilty of this, too! When we perceive that an offer of help is insincere, we don’t accept it. After all, who wants help from someone who doesn’t want to give it?
As I’ve considered these reasons why it’s difficult to accept help, I’ve realized a couple of things. First, I can’t control the motives of others. There is nothing I can do or say that will make sure that individuals’ offers of help are genuine and that they won’t expect things in return. Thankfully, I’m not responsible for their motives, so I don’t have to worry about why they are offering to help when I’m deciding whether or not to accept their help. Second, I need to humble myself. When I worry about not being enough, owing something to another person, or not being in control, what I’m really struggling with is pride. I want to be capable on my own and have things the way I want them. This doesn’t honor God. Being humble does (Ephesians 4:2, James 4:6, and 1 Peter 5:6).
I hope that this new understanding will make it easier for me to accept (and even ask for) help in the future. Perhaps this will happen for you, too!
Do you find it difficult to accept help from others? If so, why do you think it is so difficult?
