Why Gratitude Isn’t a Panacea During Tough Times

When many of us plan for the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, we envision large gatherings around the dinner table and loved ones sprawled out in the living room opening gifts. Unfortunately, things will look different for many of us this year. The risk of spreading COVID will lead many of us to choose smaller gatherings or perhaps even no gatherings at all. Others may not have concerns about COVID, but may have subdued celebrations because they recently had loved ones pass away or are experiencing unemployment. When we can’t have the types of celebrations we prefer, many of us feel disappointed and sad.

Because 2020 has been a rough year for many, the disappointment and sadness add insult to injury. Being grateful—something many of us focus on around Thanksgiving—seems like a simple solution. Researchers have found that being grateful (writing thank-you notes, making lists of things we’re grateful for, etc.) can help us focus on the positive and connect with others (read more about how gratitude benefits us here). However, before we go reminding ourselves and others that “it could be worse” so we should “find joy” and “count our blessings,” we should recognize the limitations of gratitude.

The limitations of gratitude

There’s no doubt that gratitude is a good, biblical practice, but it isn’t some magic cure-all when times are tough. Here are some of the limitations of gratitude.

• Pressure to be grateful can lead to a sense of failure. There is sometimes “peer pressure” to be grateful, even in the face of profound loss. When we struggle to feel grateful, we can feel like failures. This creates a negative feedback loop: feeling like failures makes it even more difficult to feel grateful which makes us feel like even bigger failures.
• Expressing insincere gratitude can cause unhealthy suppression of pain. When we experience negative things (passing of a loved one, personal cancer diagnosis, natural disasters, job loss, etc.), we feel loss and pain. This is normal. Even Jesus, the greatest example we have of how to live, wept when his friend died (John 11:35). When we pressure ourselves to express gratitude when times are really tough and we don’t feel grateful, we may suppress our feelings of loss and pain. Tucking these feelings inside instead of expressing them and processing them isn’t healthy.
• The promotion of gratitude can foster complacency regarding human suffering. Sadly, we’ll often encourage gratitude amidst pain and suffering instead of addressing the issues that lead to pain and suffering. We can be grateful and address these issues, of course, but we seem to use gratitude as a cop-out. For example, we’ll encourage individuals and families living in poverty to be thankful for what they have instead of tackling issues like job training, secondary education, minimum wage, affordable housing, homelessness, etc.
• We’re often grateful for the wrong reason. Almost everyone who encourages gratitude says to be grateful because it provides benefits (it improves mental and physical health, it helps us connect with others, grateful people sleep better, etc.). The problem with this is that our own happiness becomes our motivation to be grateful. Why is this a problem? It’s a problem because it makes gratitude about our happiness and satisfaction instead of about God. We act as though there is some supernatural vending machine into which we can place gratitude and out will come happiness. This isn’t the case. The focus of Christianity has never been about making ourselves happy, but about loving and honoring God (Matthew 22:36-38).
• For those who struggle with depression and anxiety, gratitude isn’t enough. Researchers have studied the use of gratitude with patients to determine if gratitude can help alleviate symptoms of depression and anxiety. They have found that gratitude exercises provide limited benefit (source and source). In other words, suggesting that gratitude alone can alleviate depression and/or anxiety is false and perhaps even dangerous. Individuals experiencing these conditions need professional treatment, which may include medications and cognitive behavioral therapy.

Now that I’ve said all of this, you may be thinking that I am opposed to gratitude. This absolutely isn’t the case! Gratitude is good and biblical. However, we shouldn’t use it as a means to avoid the pain and suffering in our lives or as an excuse to ignore the pain and suffering in the lives of those around us.

We serve a loving and compassionate God, but this doesn’t mean life will be easy. The Bible explicitly states that we will have trouble in the world (John 16:33). Thus, it’s no surprise to God that we have burdens. He invites us to cast these burdens on Him (Matthew 11:28, 1 Peter 5:7). Because of this, I think it is possible for pain and gratitude to coexist. We can experience hardships, feel pain, and mourn while armed with the knowledge that God is with us and will always be with us regardless of what happens. This assurance means we can give thanks while still being “real” about what we’re experiencing and how we feel about it.

Let’s have grace with ourselves and with others during this holiday season. Words of support and encouragement will likely provide more benefit than admonishments to ignore the hardships and give insincere thanks. In fact, support and encouragement may move us into a place from which genuine gratitude flows.

How are you feeling as we head into the holiday season? If you are experiencing hardships, then how do you feel when others emphasize gratitude? If you have loved ones who are experiencing hardships, then how are you supporting them?

Shared at the following:

Busy Monday, Encouraging Hearts and Home, and Over the Moon.