There are numerous adjectives that I don’t want my husband to use when describing me. “Nagging” is one of these.
Unfortunately, there are times in my marriage when I have nagged. A few days ago I began working on a post about how to avoid nagging, but I didn’t get very far because I began thinking about what nagging is and why wives do it. I’ll eventually get around to writing a post about avoiding nagging, but first I want to explore the topic of nagging and why it is women—but not men—who nag in relationships.
What is nagging?
Nagging is “persistently annoying or finding fault with someone” (source). In our culture, individuals usually apply this term to someone who is pestering another individual to complete a task or act on some advice (for example, a nagging wife may repeatedly ask her husband to pick his dirty clothes up off the floor). Nagging may be bothersome because of the request or admonition, but it may also be annoying because of the tone used by the nag or his or her body language (eye-rolling, pointing a finger, etc.).
The noun “nag” is not feminine or masculine. Both men and women can be nags; however, I don’t know that I’ve ever heard a man described as a nag and I’ve never heard a woman complain that her husband nags her about things. On the other hand, I’ve heard plenty of women described as nags and I’ve heard plenty of men complain that their wives nag.
Why is this? Are women more prone to nag? Do men also nag and we just don’t realize it? Here are some ideas regarding why women are the ones who nag in relationships.
Why women are the ones who nag
- Women feel more responsible for managing the home and family. Some relationship researchers believe that women are conditioned to feel more responsible than men for managing the home and family. Likewise, women tend to be more perceptive of early signs of problems in relationships. This means that when women ask for something (such as help with housework or the kids) and don’t get a response, they are quick to realize that something is wrong. They begin asking repeatedly, which becomes nagging (idea source).
- The social stereotype that women nag becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. According to some psychologists, women are afraid to ask men for help with things like household chores because they fear being nags. As a result, women will ask for help indirectly. The men in their lives may not understand their requests or may not act quickly to help because the requests don’t communicate urgency. Because their husbands and boyfriends take so long to carry out their requests, women grow frustrated and erupt with complaints or criticisms. Now they are nagging, reinforcing the social stereotype that women are nags (idea source).
- Women don’t have the social space to ignore requests or to procrastinate. Some individuals believe that nagging results from the power difference between women and their husbands in typical marriages. Though women can nag their husbands about their health or professional lives, women typically nag about household chores. Objectively, women may simply be asking, but men perceive it as nagging because they feel put upon. Husbands don’t have to nag because wives aren’t able to put off their work or procrastinate when their husbands make a request. For example, women can’t put off grocery shopping or there will be no food for the family to eat. Likewise, women can’t wait to watch the kids until the game is over because they need supervision now (idea source).
- Women desire control, so they nag to get things done when and how they want them to be. Though this author acknowledges that women sometimes ask things of their husbands because these things truly need to be done, she believes that nagging is fueled by fear of not being in control. In other words, women nag because they want things done at a particular time or in a particular manner and they fear their husbands will complete the tasks in a different way (idea source).
- Men nag, too, we just don’t call it nagging. Personally, I think one of the reasons women nag and men don’t is because we use different terms to describe a behavior depending on who is engaging in it. Consider, for example, kids who cry a lot. As a society, we may use “sensitive” to describe a girl who does this, but “wimpy” to describe a boy who does it. We do the same thing with adults. If a man raises his voice and slaps his hand on a table in a business meeting, society would label him as “assertive,” but a woman who did this would be called “emotional” or “aggressive.” I think some men make repeated requests of their wives, engage in fault-finding, and complain. A woman who does this is called a nag, but men who do it are called “domineering,” “demanding,” or “difficult to please.”
Final thoughts
This is fascinating! With these ideas in mind, I’ve been mulling my own experiences. Though I don’t nag very often, I do on occasion. Why do I do this? I think the idea of the self-fulfilling prophesy is one reason. I think the other reason is that my husband and I sometimes have differing opinions regarding when or how something should be done. Unlike the author I mentioned in the fourth bullet point, I don’t automatically assume that it is selfish to want things done a particular way. Sometimes it may be, but sometimes my way is beneficial for our family because it is more efficient, more affordable, safer, etc.
Next week I’ll share some ideas for how to avoid nagging, even when a wife truly believes her husband needs to do something (including things that don’t involve housework, such as seeing a doctor). In the meanwhile, I’d love to hear your thoughts! Do you nag your husband? If so, why? Do you think women nag because of nature or nurture? Or is it a matter of perception (i.e., both men and women nag but we view the behavior differently)?
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Thank you for sharing at #OverTheMoon. Pinned and shared. Have a lovely week. I hope to see you at next week’s party too!
Thank you, Marilyn!
My husband called me a nagger because i caought him few/many times denying/telling a lie of the IMMORAL VALUES he did like having sex with other women., stalking daring women on social media & inviting her…… He even hurted me physically.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I hope you are in a safe place now so you cannot be hurt by him.
Control – very true and relevant, sums up my Wife. Thing is I do DO housework and am very proactive in sharing responsibilities but am constantly criticised for everything I do. I feel it’s more bullying than nagging but WHY?
I think this can be common in a marriage, Rob. The wife may have a specific way she does things and can be critical of how the husband completes them. I know I’ve struggled with this (I wrote about it in a post titled “His Way Works, Too“). If a wife wants her husband to be proactive and help out, then she may need to compromise in regards to how things are done. Personally, I think it is helpful to sit down in advance and discuss precisely how things should be completed (for example, what constitutes a “clean bathroom”) so that both spouses are on the same page.
I’ve heard this response numerous times “the husband needs to do more to around the house.” Let me tell you how my daily routine is. I get up at 620am. I make a pot of coffee, get out our meds, and begin making/prepping breakfast. My wife and daughter get up at 730. I serve them breakfast, consisting of bacon/sausage, eggs, ect. I make a REAL meal. I’ll unload the dishwasher while they eat, and fold a load of laundry that was in the dryer the previous evening, and start another load in the washer. I’ll also take out the trash and make the beds. I then unload the dishwasher that I loaded the previous evening, and gather the dirty dishes from breakfast. I load the dishwasher, and clean up the kitchen. Our daughter goes to school. I then go to work. When I get home I’ll be greeted with unloading g the washer and putting those clothes in the dryer. I then begin to make dinner. After I serve dinner, clean the kitchen and start the dishwasher I may sit down and watch TV with the family, or go back to work for a few more hours. And be advised that I may be instead of watching TV, I could be seeeping floors, cleaning the bathrooms, or other chores that otherwise won’t get done. I also have to manage the yard work, and repair or maintenance on the cars. So I hear this mantra of men need to do more around the house, I’ll get nagged because I didn’t fold or put the laundry away properly, or how I could have prepared dinner better, ect, ect.. be advised my wife does not work! She spends her day watching TV, or editing photos on her computer. Oh, and as for romance??? Nothing! We’ve been intimate once in 39 months. I no longer look at her as a romantic partner, but instead a boat anchor that’s dragging me underwater. And yes, we’ve done medical evaluation to see what’s going on with her, but to no avail. We’ve been married 27 years, and I can say for the past 18 years it’s been fairly miserable. I took my wedding vows seriously, and I e been VERY tempted to cheat, but don’t. Why? Because when my daughter gets married I expect her husband to be faithful to her!
Hi Alan,
It seems like your hands are very full! I think anyone would feel frustrated and tired if in your position. Your situation is a great example of what I mentioned above–that nagging isn’t limited to one gender. I’m sorry you are having to do so much by yourself.
I’m not a marriage or mental health expert, but it seems to me that something serious may be going on here. I know you mentioned having a medical evaluation regarding your wife’s lack of interest in intimacy, but have you considered seeing a marriage counselor? Is this something your wife would be open to? Also, if all your wife does is watch TV and edit photos, she might consider being evaluated for depression (depression can cause lack of interest in typical activities).
I wish I could say something that would be of help, but I’m not sure what I have to offer. I think your frustrations are completely understandable. Your hard work and dedication are admirable!
Get out while you can, they will survive and you will enjoy the rest of your days cari g for yourself. Good luck you poor bugger
Control makes most sense to me. Some of the things she nags about are so petty that it’s the only thing that makes sense
This is what I’ve learned. Even when you do everything and don’t have to be nagged or asked. They will still criticize you for how it got done or the result of the action. Or criticize just who you are in general, because they need to find fault in something.
I’m not married , but if I was I would certainly be nagged. My dwelling are not spic and span to a woman’s standard. Then again, I’m only one person and cooking takes a substantial amount of time every day. Plus there’s work, general cleaning, mechanical maintenance on vehicles, and night classes. I like to think having a living partner would help spread the load a little bit. Nevertheless , just the thought of getting nagged is enough to steer me clear of getting entangled with high maintenance suburban queens.
Hi Mel,
You know yourself better than anyone. If you believe, before even being in a relationship, that you won’t be able to strike a balance with a partner, then perhaps you are doing yourself (and the so-called suburban queens) a favor by avoiding a relationship.