Like many of you, I have sat this past week and watched the horrors being perpetrated on the people of Ukraine. It’s depraved. It’s horrifying. It’s heartbreaking. I’m struck by how interwoven yet independent our lives here on earth are. What happens on the other side of the world absolutely impacts us. However, unlike for the people of Ukraine, life as we know it hasn’t ceased. I’ll watch a bit of news, but then I’ll get back to folding the laundry, homeschooling my kids, or running to pick up groceries.
The past few days have been normal for me—they’ve been filled with the same struggles and challenges that I routinely face. When I see these juxtaposed with the struggles and challenges being faced by individuals in Ukraine, I feel shallow and selfish. I’m worried about things like my grocery budget and one of my kid’s language development while moms in Ukraine are huddled in basements with their kids hoping they aren’t struck by a missile and killed tonight. The things I face can hardly be called “challenges” when compared to what is being faced by Ukrainians.
I’ve heard other individuals make similar comparisons. Back when I was a nurse, I once heard a patient with Stage I cancer say she shouldn’t feel bad for herself because other patients have Stage IV cancer and that is so much worse. A few years ago, after their homes flooded in a hurricane, I heard neighbors saying they should feel grateful because at least they weren’t injured.
What happens when we minimize our own suffering?
I understand what we are trying to do when we play down our troubles because they are small in comparison to what others are experiencing. We’re trying to put things in perspective so we can be grateful, avoid feeling sorry for ourselves, and be compassionate to others. However, I think minimizing our troubles can sometimes be harmful. It leads us to ignore our feelings, which can increase our stress, cause feelings of self-doubt, harm our self-esteem, and heighten our anxiety.
I’m not an expert in psychology, but it seems to me that at least two things are happening when we write off our suffering. One thing is emotional invalidation. Emotional invalidation is when an individual’s thoughts, feelings, emotions, and behaviors are rejected, judged, or ignored (source). Emotional invalidation can take many forms. One is when we try to cope with a difficult situation by brushing off our feelings with sentiments like “it could be worse” or “I’m overreacting.” Emotional invalidation leaves us feeling down, isolated, and anxious because we are unable to process our emotions.
A second thing that happens when we write off our suffering is toxic positivity. Toxic positivity is the belief that we should have a positive outlook regardless of what is happening in our lives (source). It can lead us to “put on a happy face,” “be grateful,” and “look on the bright side” instead of processing feelings of grief, sadness, and pain. Unfortunately, ignoring these emotions can lead to self-doubt and cause feelings of anxiety and depression.
A better way
The reality is that hardships like flat tires and ear infections are minuscule compared to war. However, I don’t think we need to use an either-or approach when viewing suffering—we can use a both-and approach. We’re not required to choose between acknowledging either our suffering or their suffering; we can acknowledge both our suffering and their suffering.
As a Christian, I struggle with this because I often think that my concern needs to be with the needs of others, not with my own needs. This narrow view misses a bunch of what the Bible says (all verses quoted below are from the NET). For example, before Jesus fed the 5,000, he encouraged his disciples to go away to an isolated place and “rest a while” (Mark 6:31). We are encouraged to cast “all your cares on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). Throughout both the Old and New Testaments, there are numerous other verses that speak of peace, rest, and God meeting our physical and emotional needs (see Psalm 23:1-6, Isaiah 58:11, Matthew 11:28, and Philippians 4:6-7 for examples).
Even in the oft-cited Philippians chapter 2, where we are instructed to have humility and to treat others as more important than ourselves, we are told to be concerned about numerous interests: “Each of you should be concerned not only about your own interests, but about the interests of others as well” (verse 4). We are not instructed to ignore our own interests. We are instructed to be concerned not only about ours, but about the interests of others as well. To me, this sounds like the both-and approach that I mentioned above.
I have some thoughts on how we can process our own hardships while remaining cognizant of the suffering of others. This post is already quite long, so I will wait a week or so before sharing these.
Have you ever compared your suffering with the suffering of others? If so, how did this impact you? Do you tend to use a both-and or an either-or approach?
Shared at the following:
Grace and Truth, Encouraging Hearts and Home, and Busy Monday.
Thank you for putting into words what I’ve been struggling with this week. Your “both and” approach is empowering and liberating!!
Looking forward to your follow up with this next week.
I think many of us are struggling with this, Deanna. I’m glad the both-and approach is something that might help you as you process everything going on. It has certainly helped me!
This is a great post, Shannon! Such an important topic. I have definitely fallen into the unfortunate habit of minimizing my own suffering before, and it’s definitely led to both of those effects in my life. I eventually began realizing that what I was doing wasn’t good for me or others, and I started breaking out of that habit. It’s something I still need to work on and grow in, though-I definitely have not mastered this yet!
Also, I’m wondering-have you read The Choice by Edith Eger? It’s the memoir of a Holocaust survivor who is now a psychologist, and she discusses this very thing. She mentions that people will start talking about their problems but then stop themselves and clarify that “well, it really wasn’t that bad, I wasn’t in a concentration camp like you were”-and that she has to help people see that this attitude is not good; we all experience suffering in different ways.
Wow, that sounds like a really interesting (and incredibly relevant) read. I’ll check my library for it.
I’m glad you are having success learning how to not minimize your own suffering. Sadly, current events will give you lots of opportunities to practice.
This is good to know, Shannon, “Emotional invalidation is when an individual’s thoughts, feelings, emotions, and behaviors are rejected, judged, or ignored.”
I was familiar with this concept, Lisa, but I didn’t know it had a specific name.
Shannon, such a heartfelt post here. I grow weary of people minimizing their suffering “because it could always be worse” or someone else has it worse. As you mention, all of our suffering has value and is valid. We are not to compare. God uses each of our hard paths for our sanctification, and minimizing our suffering diminishes his perfect work in us.
Great point, Donna. We don’t want to limit what God can do because we are minimizing our experiences.
Thank you for this timely reminder!
You’re welcome, Sarah!
I believe all suffering is valid and worthy of acknowledgment. However, I have struggled with constant positivity. My mind tends to go there, which is not necessarily bad, but when I overlook the pain, it tends to catch up to me somewhere. Plus, I have been known to jump to what is good with others before they are ready. I love your post. Thank you for sharing with Grace & Truth Link-Up. I am sharing your article on my FB page and Pinterest.
It’ll definitely catch up with us eventually, Maree!
I’m glad you mentioned jumping on that positivity with others. Often it’s best to just be with people and let them process at their own pace.
Shannon,
This week, I am featuring your post on my website, Embracing the Unexpected for our Grace & Truth Link-Up. Thank you for sharing your words with us. Blessings, Maree
I’m honored, Maree. Thank you!
I’m joining with Maree and will feature this post on my blog too for Friday’s Grace and Truth linkup. It’s so good and so necessary for us in these times! Feeling our feelings isn’t encouraged enough, yet when we don’t, we rarely heal well from our own traumas. Even when our traumas seem small compared to the world events, they are still ours to deal with, and God wants us to be emotionally and spiritually healthy too. Thanks for this encouragement, Shannon.
Thanks, Lisa, for the feature.
I agree that God wants us to be emotionally and spiritually healthy. We wouldn’t ignore a broken finger because it is not as bad as cancer. In the same way, we shouldn’t ignore a small hardship because it is not as bad as the things others are going through.
I am so thankful to you for writing about this. I have a medically fragile, extremely developmentally delayed child and I have heard, “but I shouldn’t complain to you” and I always hated to hear that. As believers we are to share each other’s burdens. And I don’t remember the bible saying it only applied to the “big” ones. All of our stuff is big because it’s our stuff. And it’s all valid. Visiting you from the encouraging hearts and home link up. Would love for you to link up with me on Fridays for the Grace and Truth Link up at laurensparks.net.
I like the statement that all “of our stuff is big because it’s our stuff.” Thanks for sharing about your experience of being the one “who has it worse.”
Yes, I get the same Lauren. I’ve heard “I shouldn’t feel this way as you’ve been through far worse Jennifer.” From patients, family & friends.
Because, as you know, I lost two of my children within a year of each other, my late husband to brain cancer & now live with chronic health conditions.
However, I always assure those who say this that suffering cannot be compared. Suffering is suffering & extremely unique to each individual.
There is a fine line between healthy positivity to that of unhealthy positivity which then actually tips over into denial.
And your right Shannon this then prohibits processing the necessary emotions around the suffering. Which often leads to Mood Disorders & becomes far more complicated which is when I come in…
You’re most welcome to join me in a cuppa at Tea With Jennifer,
Bless you,
Jennifer
Thanks for sharing your story, Jennifer! It’s so helpful to hear the perspectives of those who “have it worse” and who can speak from experience of how important it is not to brush off the suffering.
I’m visiting from Maree’s. I love the point you make here. God has a purpose for all suffering, large or small (as we define large and small). I especially love that we don’t need to minimize suffering by putting on a happy face–the psalms show us how to take those concerns to God.
The Psalms are so comforting to read during hardships, Barbara. Thanks for mentioning them. We can see the full range of human emotions in them, which is super helpful as we process our own.