A short time after we had our daughter, I began relating to my husband more as a co-parent than as a wife. I realized this was happening because I no longer looked forward to him coming home in the evening so I could spend time with him. Instead, I was eager for him to come home so that he could help care for our daughter!
Though this change in roles was foreign to us, it certainly wasn’t a unique phenomenon. It’s actually quite common for couples to struggle to relate to one another as spouses when they become parents. Though I’m not a marriage expert, I’ve learned a few things about this struggle and I’d love to share the strategies that have helped my husband and I relearn how to be husband and wife as we parent our wonderful daughter.
Tips for keeping your marriage strong after having a baby
- Spend time together during which you don’t focus on parenting. A baby permeates every facet of your life! My husband and I found ourselves thinking about, talking about, and caring for our girl almost all of the time. This is good for her because it means we are very attentive, but it’s not so good for us because it means we’re not being attentive to one another—something that is necessary to maintain our relationship. We feel much closer when we take time to discuss other topics and engage in fun activities (watching a movie together when the baby is asleep, going shopping, etc.). Regularly talking through a set of marriage check-in questions has been particularly helpful.
- Make physical intimacy a priority. So many factors make physical intimacy a challenge after having a baby. There’s the physical recovery from birth, the fatigue from night feedings, the stress from trying to calm a fussy baby, etc. Physical intimacy plays an important role in marriage, so it’s crucial to overcome these challenges (1 Corinthians 7:5). Though we missed the spontaneity we had before becoming parents, we found it useful to plan ahead so we had time set aside for sex. Setting aside time first thing in the morning, when fatigue was less of an issue, was particularly helpful. Also, it has been beneficial for us to remember the importance of non-sexual physical touch. Holding hands, cuddling, and similar activities go a long way in supporting a marriage.
- Eat right and try to get enough sleep. Our minds and bodies are interconnected; therefore, lack of sleep and poor nutrition negatively impact our emotions and relationships. Sleep is hard to come by when you have an infant, but it’s important to try! In the early weeks with my daughter, I often wanted to use nap time to get caught up on housework, but it was best to use this time to take a brief nap. It was also difficult to find time to prepare nutritious meals. It helped to accept friends’ offers to bring by meals, to take advantage of healthy convenience foods, and to drink lots of water.
- Notice and appreciate the things your spouse does for you. When we’re busy and under stress, we have a tendency to notice all the things our spouses don’t do that we wish they would. I’ve found it beneficial to actively watch for things my husband does do so I can say “thank you.” This takes so little effort to do, but has a significant, positive impact.
- Communicate your needs. Our spouses cannot accurately guess all of our needs and expectations. If we assume they will, then we will be disappointed. Under the stress of motherhood, I began expecting my husband to read my mind. Once I realized I was doing this, I was able to be intentional about communicating my needs. I began being specific in my requests, I avoided nagging, I tried not to make accusations, and I prayed about our communication. Click here for a more in depth discussion on communicating needs and expectations in marriage.
- Do things that bless and encourage your spouse. When I’m feeling tired and rundown, the last thing I want to do is muster the energy to go out of my way to say and do things that make my husband feel special. However, these very acts give me an energy boost and bolster our marriage. (Don’t just take my word for it—the Bible describes this pattern in Proverbs 11:25: “The generous will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed.”) These acts don’t have to be elaborate. In fact, simple things like making my husband a special dessert, sending an encouraging text message, or grabbing him a treat at the grocery store are often all it takes to make us both feel united and happy.
How did having a baby impact your marriage? In the comments section below, share your tips for keeping your marriage strong as you adjust to parenthood.
Shared on the following link-ups:
The Art of Home-Making, Saturday Soiree, Shine Blog Hop, Wifey Wednesday, Wedded Wednesday, Faith Filled Wednesday, Teach Me Tuesday and Titus 2 Tuesday.
Having kids definitely changed our marriage. Back when I was a working mom it was really hard on us because my husband wasn’t doing housework on his days off (when I was at work and our son was at daycare). If I left him a list he would complete the list, but if I forgot to write down a list, he wouldn’t do anything. It got better after I left my job and I could actually communicate with him in ways other than cell phone texts and post its left on the fridge. However, now that I’m home with the kids all day I have to refrain from pushing him away when he gets home from work. The last thing I want is another human being touching me, but I have to remember that he doesn’t have my viewpoint or perspective. In addition, how would I feel if he was suddenly gone and I would no longer have those A.M. hugs? It is difficult not to get caught up in the day to day and forget about your marriage.
Hi Sarah,
Thanks for sharing about your experience. I, too, sometimes want personal space after my daughter has been hanging off of me all day! You’re right, though, our husbands don’t have our perspectives. It’s good to remember this as we work though these challenges.
Thanks for sharing about this! Praying for you as you continue in this adjustment : ) I’m sure your daughter will be blessed by your relationship with your husband : )
Thanks, Bethany!
I’ve been married for 27 years. The absolutely hardest time in our marriage was when the children were little. I was so, so tired. I barely could crawl into bed, let alone be intimate. But, for the sake of our marriage, I was available for sexual intimacy. It was important that I had my priorities straight. My husband came before the children. It was important that we demonstrate a good marriage for those children. A happy marriage makes happy children. The children are now grown up. Because of my choices, we still have a great marriage. It truly is a short season of exhaustion. Push through and try to see the whole picture. Your family depends on it.
Thanks for sharing these wise words. I, too, believe that a happy marriage makes happy children. Even more important, a happy marriage creates a healthy environment where children can grow well emotionally and spiritually.
We will persevere now because we want to be as you are when we are 27 years into this!
I think this is such an ongoing process and one that we definitely “re-evaluate” periodically. I do love to share with Hun my gratitude for the big and little things he does to keep our family together, healthy, happy, and well cared for. Especially if he does something unexpected or without my asking. With the new baby coming in a few months, I know we’ll all be re-adjusting our entire family as we learn how to navigate life together with a toddler and infant 🙂
You make a very good point. This is something we will need to reevaluate periodically. Things will change as our children become teens and again when we become empty nesters. We’ll just keep learning and adjusting as we go!
Oh how I can relate to this! We have a 4 month old right now, and I try to make every one of your points a priority in my marriage. I’m so blessed to have a husband with seemingly infinite patience. He doesn’t care if he comes home from work and there are dishes on the counter and supper hasn’t been made (or at least, he doesn’t mention it because he knows how tough the days can be for me). He doesn’t care if I’m still in my pyjamas (though I usually take a shower as soon as he gets home and takes over the baby-watching duties!). He has changed his share of explosive diapers and frequently asks to hold and play with our son. Now that our son is *finally* starting to go to sleep earlier, we are beginning to find intimacy again, not just with sex, but with snuggling on the couch, talking about everything like we used to, and watching movies together. It took a while to get to this point, but I’m so thankful that we both want to work hard at our marriage after baby :). Thanks for sharing, and I found you through the SHINE blog hop!
Hi Monica,
Your husband sounds wonderful! It appears like our relationships are growing in similar ways. 🙂
This is so true. My husband and I were definitely a little strained after the birth of our first child. I love your suggestions! Something we started doing was writing “love letters” to each other and we would leave them for one another to find. I still have and cherish them. 🙂
The love letters sound so special, Paige. I love that idea!
Thanks for sharing! The first year of having our daughter was definitely challenging. We had to learn to actually be with each other again. Ironically our intimacy has become better since our daughter (when we strived to get our relationship back in order). Loving every moment!
It sounds like your marriage is actually stronger now! Thanks for sharing about your experience.
Such good observations, Shannon. Even after 11 years of parenting (and now entering the pre-teen years!) I still catch myself looking forward to help coming home rather than enjoying the company of my husband and friend. These are all important things to consider and remember at every stage of parenting . . . one day the kids will no longer live here, but the best relationship will keep right on going – as long as I contribute to it now. Visiting from Saturday Soiree.
Hi Abi,
I suppose that need for a break and desire for help continues as long as the children are in the house, huh?
I agree that contributing to and building our relationships now is what will keep them going later. Thanks for visiting!
These are great tips! My husband and I feel so much more connected when we intentionally spend time together. Some of my favorite all time memories are when we sit on the deck and talk after our girls are in bed 🙂
Hi Sarah,
Making a concerted effort to have that time for the two of us has been so very important. Sitting outside on a deck sounds lovely!